It is such a beautiful day today I almost can’t describe it.
This weekend was great fun. Too much fun to blog. Easter should be spent with children and friends with children. Fat on chocolate and ham.
Woke early Good Friday morning and drove the twins to Pasadena. They spent the weekend in Arizona at a Mumford and Sons concert by way of the Grand Canyon. They are on their way home now. I filled my weekend with lunches and dinners and a pedicure. I went to AA meetings and walks with friends old and new.
There were moments this wonderful spring weekend when I felt as if I were my old self (pre The Penguin) but couldn’t work out why. There were moments when I experience the very illusive peace of mind I had been craving for many, many months.
It all seemed to begin after we had chopped out the great bush of Bougainvillea. I understood that any change, however destructive, can be very creative. By freeing up the view I could see clearly. My over-view, perspective and willingness all remade.
I had to own up, once again, to misdirected anger. I am not angry with him…I am angry with my nemesis. He is not that man. By demanding answers from him I forego the courage it takes to ask my nemesis why he did those terrible things.
What The Penguin did to me scarcely compares to what happened before yet I am willing to blame The Penguin for all that is evil in the world. Of course he should never have lied his way into my life, nor should he have used me to help him. He should never have said ‘I love you’ without considering the consequences.
Our moment in court next month could be used to heal rather than to punish. To move on with amends and explanation rather than two disparate men re-entrenching their anger.
This time next week I will be in NYC…a camera shoved in my face. I must admit that I am ever so slightly excited. I am excited to see D. I am excited that I am going to have a gay old NYC summer. Hamptons, Fire Island…one last gay hurrah! Even though it is not my show and I am merely an adjunct I am excited by the prospect of showing a different, more vivacious side of my character than the one you saw last year on Sex Rehab.
This time next week? I am not living in next week, I am living now.
Therapy this morning was great. Every meeting/group/session I attend things seem to get better and better.