White Man Fighting Aids

1.

The HBO film adaptation of Larry Kramer’s stage play The Normal Heart is being hailed as life changing and inspirational… by some.  Others are doubting its genius.  Some are challenging Larry Kramer’s revisionism, lesbians and people of color are wondering where they were whilst the war against aids was being fought by these heroic white gay men.

There is no mention of lesbians, save one scene, in which a woman enters the offices of the Gay Men’s Health Crisis (GMHC) and cries about the loss of her best friend, a gay man named Harvey. She says that she wants to help the GMHC in any way possible, “even though,” she says to Jim Parsons‘ character, Tommy Boatwright, “all my lesbians friends say ‘What have you guys done for us?'”

This is a spectacular inversion of resentment from the original playtext. Instead of gay men scoffing at the idea of lesbians being included in the movement (“I don’t believe in lesbians”), you have a woman who is only indirectly identified as a lesbian describing her lesbian friends’ disdain for gay men. The disdain is made exponentially worse by the fact of it being reactionary (“What have you guys done for us?”), as if lesbians are inherently heartless misandrists.

Both Kramer and Director Ryan Murphy perpetuate ideas about the uselessness of women for gay men.   Of course, my acquaintances who love and count women amongst their best friends will accuse me of gender myopia.

They will tell me that was how it was and not how it is.

2.

At the London Gay and Lesbian Film Festival Director of hit film GBF gay white Darren Stein maligned lesbians during a Q&A telling the audience that lesbian stories were not worth telling and lesbians are ‘not funny’.

3.

This weekend on Fire Island I had to endure friends of others.  Jacques Correia the Ralph Lauren accessories designer and his very young, red headed spanish boyfriend David who rarely smiled during the three days we shared a space but found time to tell me at very great length about the bi yearly concept publication he wants to start, apparently it will have no online presence at all and will be a ‘classic’ like The World of Interiors… but with fashion… you know, a Chanel frock in a Chanel interior.  Blegh.

David

Within minutes of their arrival David swept the yard, Jacques filled the fridge with $500 worth of food from the overpriced local store The Pantry.  Food I would ultimately have to pay for.  They scoffed at how little food was in the fridge. He followed meticulous online recipes from which he would not deviate. Worst of all… Jacques was not prepared to share the kitchen with anyone else.

Carrots

He prepared a nice but forgettable curry with over cooked basmati rice.  The following day he concocted a ‘soup’ which was more like a stew and had far too many ingredients.  I politely told him how wonderful everything was.  I ate it.  I had diarrhea.

Jacques is the kind of person who adores Lee McQueen and Issy Blow and Hamish Bowles.  He hates conversation unless it is about him or his insular Ralph Lauren world.  I can only imagine what his home is like.   Small black pebbles placed artfully on chipped mirrors.

Jacques and David ‘hate’ the internet but can’t keep away from their phones.  They think they have style.  They think they are funny, educated, entertaining and open-minded.

The day after Jacques and David arrive Jacques Indian ‘friend’ Basher pitches up.  Ralph Lauren menswear designer, annoying but charming.  He realizes immediately that three against one is not very fair.

To Jacque’s horror I offer to cook dinner on Sunday night.  I ignore Jacques endless rhubarb crumble suggestions… he wants to put coconut flakes in the crumble.  I refuse.  To punish me for commandeering the kitchen, for this impertinence, they were late for dinner, they were very drunk when they arrived for dinner and were incredibly rude to the other guests.  Jacques whispered jokes to his friend Basher all the way through dinner and refused to join in with any conversation other than his own.  When he finally engaged it was to malign lesbians, particularly masculine lesbians whose bodies and sexuality he found hysterically funny.

His friends boasted that they knew no lesbians because knowing lesbians would be a ‘waste of time’.

The following day, using ingredients that I paid for, Jacques baked delicious looking biscotti.  Tons of them.  They sat on the stove wrapped in tin foil.  I was not offered a biscotti.

Lady Rizo, Rob Roth and Rizo’s friend film director Gill arrived at the house.  The loud, rude women pulled off their clothes, revealing wide white hips and full breasts and long hairless legs.  The gay men in the house looked appalled.  Real women behaving like gay men.

Jacques left with the biscotti within hours of their arrival.   He wasn’t going to let lesbians eat his biscotti.

What a CUNT.

IMG_7392

A letter from Fire Island Pines.

More power gays maligning others today.  Something they do very well.  Today it’s TV producer Fenton Bailey and Noah Michelson.  Both tiny gay men with Napoleon complexes…

1.

Fenton Bailey from TV production company World of Wonder maligns Adam Corolla on Facebook for his piece in the Hollywood Reporter confirming the existence of the Gay Mafia.

The Sicilian Mafia was known as Cosa Nostra or… in English “Our Thing”

The gay mafia, like the Sicilian mafia… like any mafia… is corrupt:  intellectually, culturally and aesthetically.  The gay mafia is rife with cronyism, anointing the chosen few to control a largely white gay male message.

The gays are in a constant state of justified anger/indignation about anything they claim is homophobic.  They hate comics who make inappropriate jokes, they hate politicians who disagree, they hate mothers who may or may not be anti gay christians… they oust people from their jobs for once being homophobic… they have TV shows cancelled and they bully those with opposing opinions into cruel submission.

2.

This week Huff Post DON Noah Michelson spent time gushing over a ‘brilliant’ Huffington Post interview with gay man Michael Alig who murdered and dismembered another gay man but has ‘paid his debt to society’… then, without catching his breath, specifically maligned and targeted reality star Michelle Duggar for having nineteen children:

After a life-threatening bout of preeclampsia in 2010, followed by a miscarriage at 19 weeks in 2011, this has been the longest stretch of time that Michelle Duggar has been not-pregnant in 27 years. So the 47-year-old went to a high-risk pregnancy doctor to see if she’s able to have any more kids.

Jim Bob and Michelle don’t practice birth control, choosing instead to leave the size of their family “up to God.” But on tonight’s episode of the family’s TLC show, 19 Kids and Counting, the Duggars—who are now grandparents—are interested in a little bit of medical intervention to see “if there are things physically I need to know, that I need to do, health-wise just to be ready to catch a baby if God saw fit to give us one.”

I have published what is now left of the comment thread.  There were many more comments (since removed) that were either misogynistic or described the vagina in a way I have only heard gay men describe them.  When I  suggested that a gay man’s anus multiply fucked by nameless men several times a day might be equally ragged… I was called a hater by a well-trained female fan.

Noah, you will see, rounded up some impressive female support… but mostly gay men agreed with his anti large family, anti women, anti reproductive rights stance.  This comes as no great surprise.  Women who count gay men amongst their friends would be appalled if they could hear the way they and their vagina are described behind their backs.  The gays, when on their own, make inappropriate jokes about other gays, people of color and fat people.  But their most corrosive vitriol is reserved for women and the vagina.

Gay men, like straight men… talk shit about women behind their backs.  Rather than straight subjugation and objectification, gay men simply don’t see the point of women unless they are entertaining us like circus freaks.

I may very well not like Michelle Druggar and her husband for the choices they have made.  My point in support of Michelle Druggar is this:  she is entitled to use her body the way she sees fit.  As a liberal I have to honor her decisions like I would honor her if she was having an abortion.  This is at the heart of the pro-choice movement.  That we do not control the reproductive rights of women.

My sister-in-law had many miscarriages, there is a history of sudden infant death syndrome in my family.  As you will read, Noah suggests that one’s body is ‘telling’ you something if this is happening?   Like AIDS was telling the gay community, Noah?

Noah, like so many of the neo-liberal gay men on this thread (who have no interest in women’s bodies unless they are commodifying them) lacks compassion, calls the mother of 19 an asshole… he alleges that she is a christian who hates gays, suggests that her choices will lead to child abuse, that she is making money from her baby hoarding.

You will note too that Mr. Druggar is not mentioned by either the gay men or the women in this thread.

If Michelle had been less red neck, less Christian, less fat, less of an ‘asshole’ more liberal, had claimed in a short weepy YouTube video she wanted 10% of her children to be LGBTQ Noah would have hailed her a modern hero, like those women on Ellen who adopt or foster many children but never get accused of kiddy hoarding, or the women who have endless kids for gay couples… who never get their vagina maligned by gay men or their sympathetic women friends… in public.

Here is Noah Michelson’s thread.  I warn you.  It gets vile… and stupid.

In reaction to the above article in italics about Michelle Druggar and her husband after Noah Michelson (public figure) published a picture of them on his Facebook page entitled #assholes.  

Ivor Pine and they don’t pay taxes either!
May 20 at 6:26pm · Like · 2

Christian Gabriel #meatcurtains
May 20 at 6:28pm · Like · 6

Dan Avery her ovaries hopped out of her body and slapped her face
May 20 at 6:30pm · Like · 3

D.j. Jeschke Have they thought of collecting seashells instead? Psssh. So not fair to the kids on several levels. After how many kids should people like this be required to get psychological evaluation before having any more?
May 20 at 6:32pm · Like · 3

Michelle Knight Tague seriously?! how has her uterus not fallen out yet!!??
May 20 at 6:37pm · Like · 4

Cate Crowe Clown car vagina.
May 20 at 6:41pm · Like · 5

Duncan Roy Excuse me! My grandmother was one of 19, I am one of 12. These abusive, mind numbing comments are so fucking offensive. Just because you were probably only children or have JUST a couple of siblings.
May 20 at 6:41pm · Like · 1

Duncan Roy Yes, that’s right. There must be something wrong with people who want large families. How can those dumb cunts even remember their names? In between scrounging off the state and probably abusing them sexually. What evil people.
May 20 at 6:43pm · Like

Duncan Roy This just looks like an excuse for misogynistic gays to insult vagina. Let’s put it this way, this woman having babies from her vagina is less likely to be as ruined as gay men who get fucked in the ass by multiple partners day after day…
May 20 at 6:48pm · Like · 1

Alicia Paintner I don’t think having a big family is inherently evil but why can’t they adopt some children! Foster care? There are so many needy children out there all ready. Why so they think their genes are so superior.
May 20 at 6:49pm · Like · 5

Alicia Paintner Ok I was willing to accept you had a different perspective but as some one that has a vagina you just went way the hell over the line. Some one turn this ugly hater in please!
May 20 at 6:50pm · Like · 3

Tom Gualtieri Interestingly, Duncan, just as many women have made crass comments about her vagina as men. My point is in agreement with Alicia’s. Why not adopt? After 20 children, there are millions and millions who have no parents and need loving families. If this is an example of a good, Christian, family, why not help the needy instead of bringing more children into an overcrowded world?
May 20 at 6:50pm · Like · 3

Duncan Roy I am a gay man Alicia.
May 20 at 6:50pm · Like

Duncan Roy I used to remember when people hated the ideas of us gays having children. Now we hate straight people for having too many?
May 20 at 6:52pm · Like

Duncan Roy Alicia, let’s get one thing straight. As a gay man I know many men who
Have multiple partners every day and get fucked in the ass. I can’t imagine how their Anus is holding up. That’s not homophobic. It’s the truth you ignorant bitch
May 20 at 6:53pm · Like

Honey Nut Queerio NOT ONE OF THOSE KIDS IS ADOPTED. SPAY AND NEUTER YOUR REDNECKS, PEOPLE.
May 20 at 6:54pm · Like · 6

Duncan Roy If that was said about gays you all would be having a FIT
May 20 at 6:55pm · Like

Duncan Roy Interestingly Tom, do you know anything at all about adoption?
May 20 at 6:56pm · Like

Adrian Martel Chances are that at least two of their kids are gay…poor kids.
May 20 at 6:57pm · Like · 3

Duncan Roy Why poor kids ? They will have twenty loving siblings? Large families are amazingly supportive
May 20 at 6:59pm · Like · 2

Honey Nut Queerio A society that accepts this hoarding behavior, but makes it almost impossible for single parents and gay folks to adopt!
May 20 at 6:59pm · Like · 6

Unzipped Nready they keep having them while the siblings have to raise them….. tie ur tubes honey!
May 20 at 7:03pm · Like · 3

Duncan Roy Unzipped and ready has an opinion about fertility. Lol
May 20 at 7:05pm · Like

Unzipped Nready yep…… bend over
May 20 at 7:06pm · Like · 3

Duncan Roy Hear that Alicia?
May 20 at 7:06pm · Like

Cate Crowe Oh, how lovely to see a man explaining misogyny to a woman. And, managing to slut shame gay men at the same time. Wonders never cease.
May 20 at 7:14pm · Like · 15

Duncan Roy I can slut shame my own Cate. Just as you would shame this mother. I wouldn’t be surprised if you’d be happy if she went to jail.
May 20 at 7:21pm · Edited · Like

Cate Crowe Excellent typo, Duncan. Slur instead of slut. Well played.
May 20 at 7:22pm · Like · 2

Michael Haynes WOW lil right wingers populating the earth with brainwashed stupidity.
May 20 at 7:22pm · Like

Duncan Roy Slur and slut. It’s all the same.
May 20 at 7:23pm · Like

Duncan Roy Of course, in cates world only women get to cry misogyny. Lol
May 20 at 7:24pm · Like

Duncan Roy Most white gay men are right wingers. Not that Americans would know a left winger if it slapped them in the ruined anus.
May 20 at 7:25pm · Like

Duncan Roy Great, a British socialist with 12 siblings gets to defend a womans right to choose over those so called liberals who want to control her reproductive rights. Ironic
May 20 at 7:27pm · Like · 1

Cate Crowe You called a woman an “ignorant bitch,” Duncan. That’s “ironic.”
May 20 at 7:32pm · Like · 1

Duncan Roy I was being ironic because look what she called the mother! You people. No
Irony.
May 20 at 7:35pm · Like

Duncan Roy I know another mother in Portland who has had 18 babies. Disgusting? No, because she had them for childless couples.,, a surrogate. So, it’s ok as long as she does not keep them. I wonder if she has a ruined vagina? I’m guessing that she may have a heroes vagina to this crowd.
May 20 at 7:38pm · Like · 2

Duncan Roy Cate, let’s face it. You want to control this woman’s reproductive rights. Go on.. You do
May 20 at 7:40pm · Like

Cate Crowe Don’t get into a gun fight with a spoon in your hand, Duncan. It’s time to walk away, sweetheart.
May 20 at 7:42pm · Like · 3

Martin Sims Camardella Disgraceful
May 20 at 7:55pm · Like

Annie Van Wie Noah Noah Michelson you know I love you always, but as a person who crusades so beautifully for acceptance of your “differences” (I hate that word but lack one that is better) I am very surprised to see you judging other people for theirs. Who are any of us to judge someone else’s lifestyle choices?
May 20 at 8:00pm · Unlike · 2

Annie Van Wie And btw I still love and adore you!!!! Xo
May 20 at 8:01pm · Like · 1

Kevin Maloney #clowncar
May 20 at 8:03pm · Like · 1

Åbreu Llyod like the world needs more people
May 20 at 8:05pm · Like

Jason Merrell Do you know these people?
May 20 at 8:05pm · Like

Sharon Stephens Duncan – Cate can outclass and outplay you. Listen and learn about what she has to say.
May 20 at 8:06pm · Edited · Unlike · 1

Honey Nut Queerio Noah Michelson has the ‘right to judge’ whatever and whomever he wants. Thinking people have opinions. They also have gut instincts and passions which aren’t always rational. This is a completely appropriate venue for sharing those thoughts and feelings. It is also appropriate to call someone out for the content of their comments. But not for simply having and expressing a negative opinion.
May 20 at 8:23pm · Like · 1

Brandi Boatright They have the most well behaved, loving well mannered children I have ever seen but maybe it’s time to hang up the pregnancy apron.
May 20 at 8:26pm · Like

Duncan Roy Oh wow, we are playing the out class game . I defer to her class. Thx
May 20 at 8:26pm · Like

Duncan Roy Cate, I haven’t heard one salient point. You are a fraud. Both politically and as a feminist. Give it your best shot. I’ll be ready with my spoon
May 20 at 8:28pm · Like

Duncan Roy I’m waiting for the wise womyn of the west to tell me how wrong I am to defend this woman and her right to a large family. I am waiting for cate to justify the misogyny and and the classist comments. I’m waiting fir cate. Bring it on.
May 20 at 8:42pm · Like · 1

Katy Bourne Human puppy mill.
May 20 at 8:48pm · Like · 3

Julian Damiani This isn’t about choice. How is it fair to make children raise other children? You think they raise 20 kids alone? No. They have to force their older children to become parents. How is that fairness or personal choice/responsibility?
May 20 at 8:51pm · Like · 5

David Ninh Ugh!!!
May 20 at 8:54pm · Like · 1

Cole Robertson My prediction: next season shows her spitting out 12 clear jellyfish babies.
May 20 at 8:56pm · Like · 2

Cate Crowe You’ll be waiting a long time, Duncan.
May 20 at 9:06pm · Unlike · 1

Kieran Keller Honestly Michelle roll a stone over that cave already.
May 20 at 9:08pm · Like · 3

Noah Michelson wow. when the cat’s away the mice will play, eh?

i want to apologize for simply writing “assholes” and not explaining WHY they’re assholes.

1. i have always said that people should be able to do whatever they want to do as long as they’re not hurting anyone else or themselves. well folks, that certainly doesn’t apply here. let’s look at the last two times (that we know of) michelle duggar got pregnant:

“Michelle most recently gave birth in 2010 [it was actually december 2009], following a life-threatening bout of preeclampsia. The next year, she got pregnant again — only to suffer a miscarriage at 19 weeks.”

about her birth in 2009:

“On December 10, 2009, Michelle gave birth via emergency Caesarean section to Josie Brooklyn, three months prematurely. Michelle was rushed to the hospital for gallstones and it was there that doctors discovered she had pre-eclampsia and performed an emergency delivery. Josie weighed 1 lb, 6oz at birth.”

obviously her body does not want to be having children. not only is she putting herself in harm’s way — she’s also putting her un/born child’s life in danger.

2. these people have made thousands and thousands of dollars off of having kids. it’s a modern day freakshow and their kids’ best interests are not being put first by any means. as someone else noted, they have so many children they can’t even take care of all of them — and their other children are forced to raise and care for their brothers and sisters. i find that offensive.

3. this family is anti-gay — in fact — josh, the eldest is (or was as recently as 2013) working for the family research council, which has been designated as a hate group by the southern poverty law center.

i never said people shouldn’t be able to choose how many kids they want to have. i never said that that she’s a woman so she doesn’t know what she’s doing. i said these people are assholes — and they are — and i see very little here to celebrate.
May 20 at 9:08pm · Edited · Like · 32

Angella Guth Kelemen I can’t wait till one of their kids comes out. I hope they will be loving and supportive.
May 20 at 9:38pm · Like

Jeremy Adkison I completely agree with you Noah. This sort of behavior is disgraceful and a cultish obsession with having more children, and more children. It is, as you put it, a freak show. There are various reasons why this is so unsavory, and I think Noah hit them all fairly square.
May 20 at 10:16pm · Like · 3

Annie Van Wie For the record…I don’t like them either. Just needed to weigh in. Also…just to clarify, I had pre-eclampsia with Elsa and every Dr out there said I could have perfectly healthy pregnancies after that. .
May 20 at 11:42pm · Like · 1

Jeremy Adkison Did you have 18 kids before? lol.
Yesterday at 12:07am · Like · 3

Duncan Roy Oh sorry, I had dinner, theatre and stuff to do.
Yesterday at 1:38am · Like

Duncan Roy “I don’t like them either” pretty much sums up what stinks about this thread. If they were liberal and pro gay we might just cut her some slack. Because she is anti gay and makes money (huh? This is America ) we demonize every decision she makes,
Yesterday at 1:42am · Like

Duncan Roy Your comments about her medical complications stink. As I told you earlier my brother and his wife had multiple miscarriages . Was her body trying to tell her something ? Was the cot death of her baby trying to tell her something? Perhaps aids was trying to tell us something?
Yesterday at 1:46am · Like · 1

Jeremy Adkison Did she have a nonstop obsession with having children, endlessly, that she can’t even take care of on her own or with her husband? Let’s not compare a large family to a family with two heads of house who have a heterophilia like obsession with making babies.
Yesterday at 1:47am · Like · 2

Duncan Roy Do gay men have a non stop obsession with getting laid ?
Yesterday at 1:48am · Like

Duncan Roy I thought she made thousands of dollars from a tv show ?
Yesterday at 1:49am · Like

Duncan Roy Let’s not have compassion for this woman because she doesn’t like gays
Yesterday at 1:50am · Like

Jeremy Adkison What compassion is there? Compassion to a women with a heterophilia like obsession in fucking and making babies she can’t even raise? An obsession with having children that may kill her, and leave her husband to care for 19+ kids, or to be more truthful for her children to care for her kids? It’s selfishness. As to her anti-gay beliefs, this has nothing to do with them, but I find your obsession with defending people that demean your very dignity to be… teling.
Yesterday at 1:57am · Like · 2

Duncan Roy Telling… Hmmm. You are obviously incapable of compassion. I do not need this woman to validate me when I am already on the winning side . She does not demean me. You do. As I mentioned earlier , there are many women making many babies they can’t raise fir money. They are called surrogates and make babies for gay men. A practice outlawed all over the world.
Yesterday at 2:03am · Like

Duncan Roy You don’t care about this woman or her health or the health of her children. You care that she allegedly hates gays .
Yesterday at 2:04am · Like

Kate Blair I care that the planet’s human capacity is around 350%, too many people, to few resources….thinking China might be onto something with child limits.
Yesterday at 2:30am · Like · 2

Jacob Michelson Josia?
Yesterday at 3:07am · Like · 1

Jeremy Adkison I don’t care that she hates gays on this subject. I care that she is a deranged and dangerous women who would potentially rob her children of a mother to have more children she does. Not. Need. To. Have.
Yesterday at 3:14am · Like · 4

Eric Ball are they looking for a 20th season? Must not have been a bumper tax season for them either–bump up the dependents!
Yesterday at 3:54am · Edited · Like · 2

Noah Michelson Annie Van Wie you didn’t have 18 kids before your issues. Not the same thing. This woman does not need — and shouldn’t be — seeking more children. It’s irresponsible to say the least.
Yesterday at 6:29am · Edited · Like · 2

Duncan Roy Noah Michelson how many children should a woman have before she becomes deranged? I mean, I’ve seen whole Ellen shows devoted to women who adopt many many children. Are they hoarders or heroes? Are they deranged? Are they irresponsible? Noah, have you any idea what the miscarriage rate in this country is? Did you know that the USA has the highest infant mortality rate in the developed world? Again, you hate this women because she allegedly hates gays.
Yesterday at 6:44am · Like · 1

Noah Michelson Dude — how is someone who has had 19 kids and is seeking to physically give birth to more after needlessly putting herself and her kids in danger the same as some one who adopts?

And I never said someone who has a miscarriage is irresponsible or shouldn’t try to have kids after.

I’m talking SPECIFICALLY ABOUT MICHELLE DUGGAR. Not anyone else.

I get you obviously have a personal connection to these issues but take a step back and get a grip on what and who I’m talking about. You’re grasping at things that aren’t there and it’s getting embarrassing.
Yesterday at 6:48am · Edited · Like · 4

Duncan Roy Embarrassing? Lol. I’m not embarrassed. You should be embarrassed for needlessly attacking a mother. I mean, if she were a liberal… You would be hailing her as a hero. You suggested that a miscarriage was ‘your body trying to tell you something ‘ . Tell that to women who have them. After many many miscarriages. And yes, I do have a personal connection… Because I believe in large families. I believe women should be able to choose and control what they do with their bodies. You do not. You should be embarrassed by that.
Yesterday at 6:57am · Like · 1

Leah McElrath Has anyone read the short article? It appears they are not seeking assistance w fertility (not their issue, clearly) but rather with seeing if there is anything they can do to prevent future miscarriages or premature births. Which, given their no birth control stance and the inherent risks of pregnancy and childbirth (especially for a 47 year old woman) strikes me as an ethical use of medical care. More ethical would be for them to stop trying to conceive or to use birth control so that the mother of 19 children won’t be put at risk. But that’s their choice.
Yesterday at 7:12am · Unlike · 1

Leah McElrath And I, as a feminist and anti-misogynist, appreciate Duncan, as a gay man, taking on the nasty vagina and labia related comments. Thank you.
Yesterday at 7:15am · Like · 4

Leah McElrath Btw, I agree w Noah that they are assholes and don’t agree with their choices or religious views, but that’s another issue.
Yesterday at 7:21am · Like · 3

Duncan Roy They may very well be assholes whose choices and religiosity I disagree but this thread reveals the ease with which we condemn and malign women using old ideas about the way women use their bodies and the latent disgust some gay men have for the vagina. I would never have bothered defending these people had I not read the kind of hate speak I only usually read when I bother to read comments posted by the rabid right about abortion. Wether you choose to have twenty abortions or twenty children the same rational should apply.
Yesterday at 7:30am · Like · 2

Cate Crowe I think it’s time to do another fourth step, Duncan.
23 hours ago · Like · 2

Noah Michelson i’m not condemning women and i’m not maligning women. i’m condemning and maligning michelle duggar. just her. just her irresponsible, dangerous and immoral approach to having children. i have no problem with vaginas — i don’t particularly want to be in one anytime soon, but they’re a-ok by me.
22 hours ago · Like · 6

Duncan Roy Cate, thx. I’m actually doing one right now. I tend to revisit the steps from 1 to 10 every three years. You don’t make my inventory. Sorry.
22 hours ago · Like

Cate Crowe You’re welcome, hun.
22 hours ago · Like

Ricky Marson This Huffpo-level comment war is fucking hilarious.
22 hours ago · Like · 5

Noah Michelson welcome to my facebook page, Ricky. these kind of threads are the norm.
22 hours ago · Like · 2

Duncan Roy Yeah Ricky, Noah is so fucking controversial.
22 hours ago · Like

Noah Michelson hey duncan — if you’re not happy here, no one is making you stay. i rarely use the block button but i’m not against using it in special cases.
21 hours ago · Like · 7

Eric Ball Oh Christ..Duncan, while you’re hanging people for not having compassion or hating vaginas, the Duggars just made another 5 k off this morally corrupt social experiment.
21 hours ago · Like · 4

Michael Rogers This is funny. Noah Michelson, SURELY Duncan Roy is kidding around. No sane person would defend this woman’s decision.
21 hours ago · Like · 4

Cate Crowe Or, exhibit such rage and contempt in doing so, Michael.
21 hours ago · Like · 2

Carrie Bechill I’ve been reading this thread and I’d like to point out that while many women birthed several children several decades ago – it’s not the 1940’s anymore. We know that this world is overpopulated and have scientific proof that humans are doing grave damage to the earth and its resources. Michelle Duggar is acting irresponsibly and selfishly.
21 hours ago · Like · 1

Nathan Garrett Seems to me that working with a fertility doctor would be going against God’s Will, which I assume is a big deal w them. Sort of like birth control in reverse.
21 hours ago · Like · 1

Leah McElrath Again, if you read the article, it’s clear she is NOT seeking fertility treatment. They went to a reproductive endocrinologist to find out if there was anything to do to prevent future miscarriages or premature births. Personally, I think the most ethical choice in this situation is birth control or sterilization, so she doesn’t die and leave her other 19 children orphans. But their pursuit of this information is an ethical use of medical resources, even if I disagree with their choice.
21 hours ago · Like

Leah McElrath Never mind. I don’t know why I bother. People clearly don’t care about the facts. They just want to mock and rant. So carry on.
21 hours ago · Like

Noah Michelson the very fact that she is in a doctor’s office trying to find out how / if she can have more kids — with or without outside help — is ridiculous. it’s a parade for the reality tv cameras and it’s sick. so yah — she may not be going in to get IVF but she shouldn’t being having kids at all. (and let’s not even get started on her family’s thoughts on birth control and abstinence — or sex and sexuality in general…)
21 hours ago · Edited · Like · 3

Leah McElrath Since they do NOT use birth control as a result of her religious beliefs and since she is clearly fertile, it is NOT ridiculous to seek input on how to prevent future miscarriages or premature births. You may not agree with their choices, Noah – I do not agree with them either – but it is not ridiculous to seek information that might help her save her own life or that of another fetus if she gets pregnant again.
21 hours ago · Like · 1

Leah McElrath But again, never mind. This thread disgusts me almost as much as the Duggars do. I’m out.
21 hours ago · Like

Noah Michelson oh come on. i am not saying that it’s ridiculous that she would seek information on how to save her own life or her fetus’s life. i’m saying it’s ridiculous that she would even remotely consider THINKING about having another child. those are two very different things.
21 hours ago · Like · 2

Leah McElrath Thank you for the clarification. I agree with you on that point. For better and worse, we all have the freedom to make ridiculous choices.
21 hours ago · Like · 1

Noah Michelson yes. we do. and — happily — we all have the freedom to call out and judge those ridiculous choices.
21 hours ago · Like · 2

Kate Blair I also couldn’t give a shit about who she may or may not hate, unless she says something hateful on TV. But I sure as hell hope she’s not on any kind of public assistance.
21 hours ago · Like

Cole Robertson They are on public assistance; they don’t pay taxes.
21 hours ago · Like

Terrance Heath People shouldn’t be famous just for reproducing. It doesn’t take talent or skill, after all.
21 hours ago · Like · 3

Tom John Jackson There’s already way to many people in the world, and plenty of kids who need a home. These people are assholes.
21 hours ago · Like · 2

Shawn Shirey In this day and age it is NOT responsible to litter the world with your children. Maybe in the 50’s that was an OK thing to do, but not now. My ass is in tiptop shape, just sayin’.
21 hours ago · Like · 1

Alfonso Munoz In defense of Duncan… there are benefits to big families and religious belief aside, i sat down and watched this program. I couldn’t fathom the concept at this level but I gave them kudos for a few things… they have a system and many aspects of the upbringing are to be observed and adopted. This mother focuses on the new born and so does the rest of the kids by helping and learning responsibilities. She has an aproach that is all about showering the baby with love. Most studies indicate that giving a baby up to the age of 2 constant touching and play will make them very independent, stable adults. So these kids have their shores and it is fascinating how happy they feel to help, a very good quality to have as an adult. Human’s and others species live in large families. The modern small model of family is a very new thing. It is difficult nowadays because gone are the cousins, aunts, uncles, grandmothers that use to be a far greater presence in the growth of a child. As for adoption, my childhood ended when my parents adopted a 30 day old baby from the projects. All the love in the world does not prepare you to raise a mentally ill person. It is a commitment that does not ends with college. they are less likely to deal with this possibility.
21 hours ago · Edited · Like · 1

Jamie Casertano I give it up to Noah Michelson for being willing to read all these tedious responses. I could give birth to my 30th child in the time it takes to do that!
20 hours ago · Like · 3

Alfonso Munoz LOL
20 hours ago · Like

Nathan Garrett I can’t wait for the library full of tell-all books written by the kids that will surely come out over the next 30 years!
20 hours ago · Like · 4

Christo Max This really bothers me. Thankfully more people are choosing to have only one or two children than two fucking baseball teams worth of them.

Could you imagine if everyone were this selfish?
20 hours ago · Edited · Like · 3

Michael Rogers Sorry, Leah McElrath… This woman no longer cares about her family as much as she cares about fame.
19 hours ago · Like · 3

Kevin Maloney Let’s be clear- in many/most Western historical contexts, the size of a family was hardly a woman’s “choice.” It was usually the father’s choice and often influenced by the Church as well. My grandmother was one of ten (though her mother had 13 pregnancies). She grew up with very little, but her father kept pushing for more children, because the Catholic Church was in a population war with the Protestant Church in Quebec at the time. My grandmother loved all of her siblings, but she thinks back to the way she grew up and acknowledges it was absolutely ridiculous to have that many kids because the Church said to. The boys went to work instead of high school and the girls helped raise the little ones. Maybe this was an ok set up for some families. There’s certainly room for alternatives to the nuclear family prototype. However, in the first half of the century, these large families were often associated with poverty, and the children had very little ability themselves for upward economic mobility. I’m not saying that large families are automatically going to be in this situation – there are certainly a variety of other factors involved – but having many mouths to feed and bodies to clothe is inherently an economic stress on a family, not to mention a time sink. By all means, make your own choices in life, but also realize that there are some very valid criticisms of these choices. This is not the same thing as being intolerant.
19 hours ago · Like · 5

Michael Sharkey Noah, I spent an entire day with the whole family. Can’t believe I made it out alive! Remind me to tell you about when you come to dinner.
19 hours ago · Like · 2

Duncan Roy I note that most of the anti family haters are gay men. As for : It is not ‘responsible’ to litter the world with children. How vile of you. God you people are so prescriptive and judgmental. Just like I remember people being about us the lgbtq community. Shawn is unlikely to have children thank god
18 hours ago · Like

Christo Max False equivalency runs freeeee! Yaaaay!
17 hours ago · Like · 2

Keith Lutman If you’re seeing a fertility doctor, you are no longer “leaving it up to God.” Also, you’re addicted to being pregnant
16 hours ago · Like · 2

Terrance Heath For the record, I don’t care how many children these people have. It’s their business. I’m just tired of people becoming celebrities for reproducing. (Or making sex tapes.)
15 hours ago · Like · 1

Patrick Reynolds Coooooor! what an interesting dialogue…i haven’t read anything so good for a long time. My tuppence-worth…addictive, repetitive behaviour is at play. But I am not one to judge otherwise i would be throwing stones from inside my greenhouse.
13 hours ago · Edited · Like

Michael Rogers Duncan Roy WTF does someone’s sexual orientation have to do with this? Someone is desperate.
10 hours ago · Like

Duncan Roy Read the thread you moron
10 hours ago · Like

Nehemiah Saycsar Fleurima And the more she has kids the less likely they’ll come put strong and healthy.
7 hours ago · Like

 

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calming reeds

After the Solange/Jay-Z/Beyonce/Bodyguard family fight in the elevator of The Standard Hotel  (after the very glamorous Met Ball) I hear, from a friend who works at the hotel, that a perfectly innocent person was accused of selling the video to TMZ … and fired.

A statement made by all persons in the elevator during the inciting incident explained that it was a private ‘family matter’ and would remain so.

Then, amazingly Whoopi Goldberg… who has become a kind of wise, day-time-TV Maya Angelou lite sage (speaking slowly to underline the import of everything she says) wades balls deep into the soupy narrative.  Her conclusion?  That if you get hit by anyone you should be able to hit them back.

Huh?

I wondered why Whoopi wasn’t commending Jay-Z for his dignity and restraint?  Because one thing is certain… if Jay-Z had hit Solange in the face and broken her jaw Whoopie would be leading the deafening chorus of disdain for those men who hit women.

So, Whoopi, if Jay-Z had retaliated… how hard should he have hit Solange?  I’m wondering what the appropriate retaliation would be for a man hitting an angry woman whilst she is being held by his bodyguard?  Knock her out maybe?  So she no longer poses a threat?

Whoopi thinks STAND YOUR GROUND is a very good idea.  Well, we all know where that leads.  Trayvon Martin.

Let’s remind Whoopi what we are supposed to do if we are attacked… Whoopi, we don’t smack them in the face… we call the police… that’s what they’re there for.  That’s why we pay our taxes .

Didn’t Whoopi learn anything from The Color Purple?

Cherry Blossom

I wonder if Michael Alig hated the movie Party Monster as much as I did?

I wonder if someone at Fenton Baily’s World of Wonder who filmed Alig’s ‘reactions’ whilst he watched the docudrama about himself… paid him?  I can’t imagine that he won’t be on Fenton’s payroll before the year is out, just like his friend and the gay douche James St. James… who I was once bored to meet in LA with Ian Drew.

Meanwhile, the soggy Michael Musto pretends Alig is a very bad man yet seems secretly in awe, unable to stop writing about him.   There are articles about Alig everywhere in the gay press.  Of course, The Gay Voices section in The Huffington Post want his ‘opinion’ about EVERYTHING.

The gay frenzy around Alig’s release from prison is beyond macabre.  What does Michael Alig think about the progression of gay rights?  What does Alig think about the overturn of DOMA?  Does he have an opinion about the end of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell?

Am I crazy?  This murderer gets out of jail. A murderer who dismembers another gay man and we ask his opinion about DOMA?

For those of you who don’t know Michael Alig… and there are many… Michael Alig (born South Bend, Indiana, April 29, 1966) is the co-founding member of the Club Kids, a group of young club goers led by Alig and his long-time best friend James St. James in the late 1980s and early 1990s. In 1996, Alig pleaded guilty to the manslaughter of Andre “Angel” Melendez  in a confrontation over a drug debt.

If Michael were a straight, white guy getting out of jail for killing and dismembering another man… would other straight people be fascinated by what he had to say about… the Affordable Care Act?  Mind you, if he was a black man… we wouldn’t ever hear his opinion about anything… because he would still be in jail, convicted of first degree murder rather than the white man’s sop… manslaughter.

It’s so exciting to have him home in New York City!  Let’s read more about Michael Alig in Vanity Fair!  Imagine what it must be like to be free after 17 years!  Everything’s so incredibly different!  Here… play with this.  It’s called a smart phone.  These are ‘apps’.

Michael Alig tweet his fans.  Michael looks at Manhattan as he crosses an unnamed bridge into the city and has a moment of trepidation .   Did he remember dumping Angel’s body into the East River?  Alig drinks Starbucks and eats Arctic Char.  He scarcely seems like a man who would murder and dismember another gay man as he eloquently discusses fish seasoning.

Later, Michael forgets to take a shower because no one is telling him to wash.  It’s ‘amusing’ to see Michael use Grindr for the first time and wonder if and when he hooks up… will he tell his on-line fancy… the truth?  Will he conceal his true identity?  The truth about his murdering and dismembering past… huh?  Are you kidding?  Nobody tells the truth on Grindr.  A world of wonder… indeed.

“Michael you’re my hero.”  The young gays squeal on social media.  ‘We still love you!’  ‘You helped me become the man I am today.’  The elder ones tweet:  ‘You made me true to myself.’

Michael Alig has become our best, brightest and newest gay celebrity.  Hankering for a second chance in a country that loathes giving second chances to anyone.   He will become a living legend, his gay apotheosis assured by Fenton Baily and Michael Musto who may make fortunes from Alig’s gruesome celebrity.   Nor must we forget Ramon Fernandez, director of the upcoming documentary Glory Daze: The Life and Times of Michael Alig, he too expects to win big riding on Alig’s murder and mayhem.

No doubt Alig will be invited to GLAAD events, his crimes diminished by celebrity and pithy comments about hetero normative gay life… he will champion individuality,  he will sit at The World of Wonder table with Ru Paul.  He will work tirelessly for the HRC.

Michael Alig will be loathed and loved in equal measure when in fact… he should be totally ignored.

2.

Meanwhile, a truly talented filmmaker kills himself.  Malik Bendjelloul, director of Oscar winning film Searching for Sugar Man.  When I heard it, your personal story moved me.  It’s tough to be a star.  I know what you went through.  I was there for a moment too.  Same age.  It’s very disconcerting, all that attention after years of solitude.  Making art in a vacuum… then Hollywood comes calling with their lies and false promises.

Two different tales, different intentions.  Two very different filmmakers.

Fenton Baily and Ramon Fernandez add a miserable, self indulgent post script to a stark and soulless documentary making themselves more money from the death and dismemberment of a brown man… no doubt delighting other soulless white people… whist you dear Malik made an inspiring documentary that touched the hearts of many and was so deserving of the international acclaim it received.

Sometimes it seems like a shit, shit world.  A world where people like a gay drug addict and murderer Michael Alig get all the attention on exactly the same day a brilliant man like Malik Bendjelloul ends his own life.

Rest in Peace.

Fire Island Kitchen

 

Arrived on Fire Island.  I’m here for the next few weeks… until I decamp (via Martha’s Vineyard) to Provincetown for a month or so… then it’s LA for the rest of the summer.   Nobody wants to be on the East Coast for August.  Not when one has Malibu… everyone agrees that Southern California is gorgeous in August.

I finally found an affordable and rather beautiful house near Whitstable to buy.  Just far enough to be close to those I love… yet out of harms way.   There’s so much on the market.  Everything in my old home town seems for sale.  Everything.

I’m staying, as usual, in The Pines… a guest in the most gorgeous house.  I stayed here last year.  So many pretty things to look at, art to admire and crisp white linen to drown in at night.  A fancy cooks kitchen, every utensil one could possibly wish for.

As I was winding down last night I noticed that the house is loaded with alcohol, bottles and bottles… and I am all alone.  It’s odd isn’t it?  What keeps me, and those who want it badly enough, away from the booze.  Sober.  Nobody would ever know if I took a huge gulp of something before I went to bed.  Only me.

What’s stopping me from taking a drink from the well stocked bar?  Even if it’s just me?  I suppose… I would know and God would know.  The power of ones conscience.  I’d lose the only thing I’ve ever worked really hard to keep.

I realize that many people don’t get sobriety.  The disease, the god part, the endless AA meetings.  During the past 17 years it’s been a struggle to remain interested or focused.  There’s so much to put you off.  Sober people can be a big pain in the butt.  The endless revolving door of people you meet who commit to sobriety then drink again, the deaths, the drama, the fucking rules…  but I tell you, if this is a cult (and many say it is) I’m a happy member.

I’m cooking a very old-fashioned coq au vin.  A hearty treat for a chilly May evening on Fire island.

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Happy Sunday

 

Wendell Castle

blue-haired-troll

 

Living in LA.  Driving everywhere.  One learns a great deal about the human condition.  How brave those with no real strength, a fragile old lady for instance, becomes in her SUV.

Hiding behind the wheel of her huge (and not so huge) car she can charge at other cars like a wild bull, she can intimidate like a boxer facing off before the big fight, she can insult anyone she pleases like a street drunk after midnight.   Stop at a stop light however and scream at her in the real world for her appalling behavior, stripped of her super powers… she apologizes, looks horrified.

We delude ourselves that we are protected by our big car… or the anonymity of the internet.

The internet.  From time to time… the hating trolls can’t help themselves.  In their haste to leave vile, anonymous messages the stupid ones forget the trail of evidence they leave behind in their rush to insult and malign.

Like a hair loaded with DNA at the murder scene… they leave behind their IP number.  The ever more accurate, location revealing IP number.

The most recent hater?  Ohaiman.  This particularly stupid troll lives on Elm Avenue in Norwood, a suburb of Cincinnati.   With Google street view I opened a window into his sad life.  I stood outside his shabby apartment building, I wondered which one of the beaten up cars parked in his parking lot was his.  I wandered dolefully up his treeless, ugly street.  I flew over his nondescript building in my google plane.

I felt like the NSA.

Not realizing that I already knew too much about him I engaged in a long conversation with Ohaiman… this vicious troll.   He had opinions about every aspect of my life.   The life of my boyfriend… apparently my bf is in the closet.  He told me who I should be dating… someone over 50.  He let me know how much money he thought I had.  There was no limit to the reach he thought he had into my life.

Can you imagine what it must be like to have real celebrity?  What chaos these trolls cause?

After he unravelled more than enough rope to hang himself… I revealed that I knew exactly where he lived.  Like rolling down my window at the stop light…   He balked.  He apologized.  He was ‘just joking’, he didn’t mean what he said.

Understandably, I haven’t heard from him since.

I don’t care what people write about me in that secret space created by the internet where foolish men believe they are the kings and the queens, ‘super users’  addicted to outrage and poorly formed opinion… mostly without consequence.

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guy-piggy-bank-main

Here is petulant Zac Bissonnette, shaking down a pig for Glamour magazine.  His new book, Good Advice From Bad People, is a collection of poorly collated quotes by people we would rather forget.

Last year, after reading a post on the Facebook wall of dog book and minorities writer/teacher Benoit Denizet-Lewis, I had the misfortune to run into Zac Bissonnette (too many consonants, no?).

Gay Benoit is a brilliant writer, why he lauds Zac Bissonnette is a mystery to me.  Unless… of course… Gay Zac’s flaxen hair and youthful spirit and perfect teeth… no… that just couldn’t be.

Anyway, I read the essay by Zac that Benoit posted on his ‘wall’ and frankly… it wasn’t very good.  So.  I said.  Under the post… in the comments section: ‘this isn’t very good’.

Zac, in-between reading Facebook, counting the money that will keep him from moving in with his parents if everything fails, moisturizing his perfect creamy skin, preening his immaculate coiffeur and appropriating Bernie Madoff quotes… found the time to have an old-fashioned shit fit.  Apparently, not uncommon for Zac.

It turns out he is the Veruca Salt of financial self-help.  You remember her?  The demanding, selfish little kid from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory who wants an Oompa Loompa but ends up with an ever lasting gob stopper.

Like most arrogant, entitled white american gays Zac didn’t take my mild criticism very well.  Within an hour or two Zac had sifted through the internet declaring me bankrupt, running a bad business and a bunch of other ‘designed to shame’ comments.  The one that pissed me off… you know, after having been abused for so many years, was his unsubstantiated accusation that I could be a child molester.

So.  This is who we are dealing with.  Zac gets some mild criticism and decides to accuse me of fucking children.

He is typical of his generation:  young, white gay men.  I meet them all the time.  Prone to tantrums, relying on their good looks and minimal talent.  When challenged they accuse anyone over 40 of pedophilia.  They have run out of credible insults.  Accusing a gay man of pedophilia masks two horrible truths.  Firstly, people like Zac are terminally ageist.  Secondly, puerile Zac feels ‘abused’ by anyone he considers stupid enough to challenge his ideal self.

He accuses me of pedophilia because he thinks of himself as an innocent little boy.  He feels my criticism like he imagines a child feels a rapists penis.  He suffers from crippling denial, like many gay men, denial that he is no longer a child and terrified that he will become an old man.  After all, what is he without his youth?  This particular denial runs rampant throughout his poorly educated, right-wing generation.

Not taking his pedophile accusations very well I challenged Zac on twitter to say publicly what he had accused me of privately.   He rather wisely refused.  He told me I was harassing him… even though he had contacted me!   Then, after a change of heart, he told me that he wanted to talk to me.  He said, “I think it’s better by phone. . . I promise I’m really nice on the phone.” He gave me his home phone number but told me not to call him at 3am.  Here is his number for those of you who might want to get to know Zac better… lolz… do you dare me?

I’m not going to call Zac Bissonnette… because he is an idiot.  How much of an idiot? Check his ‘financial advice’ in Glamour magazine. Advice so moronic and condescending only a man in a tight gray tee-shirt could have gotten away with it.  Perhaps the folk at Glamour thought Zac’s pecs would distract women from what he had written?

My good advice to you, Zac?  From this bad person?   Grow the fuck up.

P.S.  According to the World Health Organization 7 out of every 1000 American babies die before they are a year old.  Sadly, Zac wasn’t one of them.

oompa-loompa-2

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Between oysters and pizza at Gjelina and sultry nights in Hollywood the whole gay world went cray cray…

In less time than it takes to come up on Bath Salts the sex lives of some very powerful gay men in Hollywood changed dramatically.   The unfettered and often illegal activities those Peter Pan like older men were so used to getting away with… ceased… forever.

During the week hundreds of lurid photographs surfaced of a puffy faced Bryan Singer and his friends holding onto young boys at restaurants, in private jets and at clubs.  I wagged my finger at my lap top.  I told you so!  It was only a matter of time before Bryan’s life exploded like a ripe zit all over the internet.  Times they are a’changing.

Written by outsiders the Singer scenario seems absurd.  Bryan’s friends have names like second rate gangsters or third rate porn stars: Wayne Castro and Tommy Johnson.  Brazenly, flagrantly, indiscreetly photographing themselves with boys and more boys… willow thin, pale and hairless.   Funneling boys into Bryan’s world: club promoters, model agents and studio executives.

The scale of Bryan’s boy network, his boy compulsion can only be guessed at.  It is without doubt an addiction over which he is powerless… his life unmanageable.  Yet, to many… perfectly normal.   An addict amongst addicts.

He says, “I don’t see the point of knowing anyone unless I’m going to have sex with them.”

After the premiere I am invited to the Ritz in New York.  When I get to the room they’re there… it’s one of those parties… the men and the boys.  Snorting coke, drinking beer, young boys sitting on the laps of those revolting, sour men.  It makes me sad and angry.  When I write about their party the following day they are outraged, they tell me to take it down…  I mean, I’ve been to straight parties and met trafficked eastern european girls… hookers.  I feel the same sadness.  They are a long way from home.  They sit with me until they realize I am useless to them.

A young, straight actor/waiter tells me proudly that Bryan takes him to an apartment, gives him drugs and alcohol, hires a pretty girl prostitute and throws himself into the mix as the boy fucks the girl.   The boy tells me that Bryan tapes the encounter.  He has a big smile on his face, this was the role of his lifetime.

By mid week the Singer scandal gains traction and the true colors of the gay community reveal themselves… unsurprisingly they were not the colors of the rainbow flag.

The first reaction from the gays, found in anonymous comments all over the gay online press, was more favorable toward Bryan rather than Michael Egan his accuser.  The gays huffed and puffed about Egan having taken so long to come forward, that he must have known what he was getting himself into and generally blaming the victim for his pubescent naivety.

My Bryan Singer blog piece went viral and Egan (who alleges rape) named three other predators… one of them being Garth Ancier who was once a Facebook friend.  During the press conference Egan’s mother sits by her terrified son.  She is crying.  She blames herself for not doing more.

I realized that even though ‘everyone knew’ about Bryan and his hedonistic mates indulging in the joys of trafficking young flesh… it turns out that this lifestyle is in fact a fantasy that many Hollywood gays aspire.

They want what Bryan has: the parties, the money, the drugs and the sex.  Bryan, they concluded, was living the gay dream.

I spoke with Lucas John who writes the well read blog WeHo Confidential.

Even though Lucas has written terrible things about the gays and their behavior in his blog (he boasts that the gay mafia live in fear of photographs of their parties ending up on his site) he reassured me that WeHo Confidential wasn’t meant to be taken seriously, it was ‘a game’.  Lucas was shocked that anyone was taking Michael Egan seriously, that the wider world might now have a negative opinion about his ‘friend Bryan’.

Lucas vehemently stands by Bryan Singer.  This strident support is not unusual amongst the gays.  The support Bryan receives from the gays sounds like the support Sandusky received initially from Penn State, the support pedophile priests garnered from their reeling congregation and the Vatican.

The opinion from the ‘wider world’, as it turns out, is mixed.  Many news outlets are covering the story tentatively.  Why the caution?   They don’t want to be accused of homophobia.  They don’t want to get it wrong or upset their homo-collegues.   Gay news proprietors like Nick Denton at Gawker are trying to treat this gay tabloid story as they would a straight tabloid story but their readers think him a traitor.

LA gays are shocked and confused that their sex conduct could be considered somehow… wrong.  Those rules, they squealed, don’t apply to us.  Fucking a persistent, consenting 15-year-old wasn’t pedophilia, they scoffed.   It’s fun!  Don’t shame us!  Without a hint of irony they argue that the victim ‘could have said no’.

The victim could have said no.  The predator could have said no?  No.  The logic of the gays.

The truth is:  many gay men willingly had sex with older men (in lieu of our peers) when we were teenagers.  We liked it, we wanted more.  Most gays can’t understand why Egan is complaining.  After all, he got to hang with celebrities, taken on a private jet and all the drugs he could manage.

Gay men can’t get their heads around the reality of man/man rape.  It’s a total mystery to them.  Rape is what happens in porn films or to women or closeted straight men who can’t face the truth about their first anal experience.

Some gay men can’t make a connection between the girl held down and raped by the lacrosse team and the boy held under water and raped by the studio executive and his friends. There is a disconnect for most gay men between these two narratives.

The gays operated, until very recently, in the shadow of heterosexual society, where they evolved their own rules, their own standards, their own language.  The gays must now learn to live in the light and dance to a different tune.  For some this is a hard transition.  Facing the responsibilities equality affords us.  Like willful children holding onto old ideas.

Gays: It’s time to grow the fuck up.

On Wednesday I was hounded by Buzzfeed to tell what I knew about Bryan but generally I kept myself to my blog.  The comments section on Gawker lit up with the usual kind of screaming homo hate I have long been used to.  They claimed I was a hypocrite for ‘discrediting’ Bryan when I have a hairy 25-year-old boyfriend.  The difference?  My boyfriend and I have monogamous, consensual sex and have done for the past 8 months.

In other news, my old buddy the teen loving Dustin Lance Black hit the headlines again this week because his former college in Pasadena thought it inappropriate for an ex student who took pictures of himself having anal sex (with a porn star without a condom) lecture their students.  Black cries Homophobia! and Shame!   Yet another entitled white gay men who lives beyond the consequences of his actions.

I mentioned this to one of the bone fide journalists I met with this week.  I explained what I had seen, innocent boys being trafficked from model agencies in New York to the hot tubs of Hollywood.  He asked why I wanted to get involved… why I wanted to share my own story of gay Hollywood, knowing how unpopular my opinions are to my fellow tribe members.

I told him this:

When I was 8 years old I ran away from home, away from my abusive father.  When the police caught up with me I told them what was going on.  They took me home and told me if I ever repeated those allegations against my powerful and well-respected father they would fall on me ‘like a ton of bricks’.  This terrible injustice shaped my view of authority.  After the policeman left I suffered 6 more years of merciless brutality… in silence.

The gays have no sympathy for the abused because they have always felt abused,  they say: Suck it up, stop complaining, boo hoo.  They have learned to forget their miserable past, their bullies, their abusive parents.  They have learned to ignore what I refuse to ignore… that things must change… and the only way that is going to happen?

We talk about the abuse/rape/pedophilia… we go on talking about it until it stops.

Until we can learn to say no without shame.

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There is a moment when you know it’s over.  That his proximity disgusts you.   That no amount of love can disguise what was or what could be.   These photographs were taken at the moment, the moment I knew for sure.  The fast train to Paris from Cannes.  A beautiful boy sat opposite me and I wanted to ravish him.  I couldn’t wait to say goodbye to the loved one.  Yet, I knew, the moment we parted I would not stop thinking of him. From the moment I woke up to the moment I fell into a fitful sleep.  Gone, the door slammed.   He was dead to me long before I made it impossible for him to do anything but take drastic measures.  It was the worst kind of grief because nobody died…

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Bryan Singer

Most of you know there is little love lost between me and gay Hollywood… the gay establishment, our unelected leaders, our taste makers and moral guides… or lack of them.   From Chad Griffin (who now claims to be the Rosa Parks of marriage equality) at the HRC to the bullying tactics of gay mafia org Glaad I have made my voice heard and paid the price.

During the last year I have had death threats and put up with the gay rumor mill distorting facts about me.   So, today, old acquaintance Bryan Singer finds himself in my world… the shadowy world of innuendo, accusations, smears, allegations and (unlike me) the hard to remove stains of rape and pedophilia.

The gays are springing to his defense.  The boy was 17.  Old enough to know better.  Old enough to say no.  Well, as we all know, whether it is Jerry Sandusky or Bryan Singer power and prestige can be very alluring to a damaged soul and let’s face it… many young gays are very damaged.  It’s difficult to say no if you think saying yes will change… everything.

Dorian Gray was a damaged soul.  Just a boy.  Would he give in to love… or power and prestige?  We all know the answer.

Duncan. Unknown, Brandon Boyce, Bryan Singer Fire Island

I first met Bryan on Fire Island 20 years ago.  He stayed at our house with Brandon Boyce and some eager young twink.  Latterly I stayed with him in Hollywood, and we have kept friendly but distant ever since.  When I was arrested he (and his friends) delighted in my jail time* and made snide comments about me getting into trouble.  Their arrogance, like most sexually unmanageable people, was legion.

Bryan and I have discussed his boy obsessions and sex tourism. We have discussed his prescription drug addiction.  We have discussed his drinking problem.  We have discussed his point that it is useless to know anyone socially unless there is a sexual point.

Today Bryan finds himself at the center of a roiling  sex scandal.  It is of his own making.  Everyone one knew… but no one said a word.  Young boys on his arm, on his set, at dinner with equally vile boy obsessed Hollywood grandees… the lamentable Adam Press, the teen dating Dustin Lance Black.

If you want to get on in Hollywood straight or gay… you better learn how to please the directors and producers you meet at drug fueled, drink sodden gay parties.

Of course, when someone cries foul, the gays think it is the victims ‘fault’.  They have played victim for so long.

Somebody suggested to me this morning that it was ‘homophobic’ of those accusing Bryan of rape.  No, it’s not homophobic to accuse someone of rape, it’s homophobic to forcibly sodomise someone.

Bryan’s close friends include Guy Shalem (Jane Lynch’s red carpet plus one), Transformers Producer Tom DeSanto and Teen Wolf director Toby Wilkins.  Finding themselves on private jets, at Elton John’s Oscar party and vast Hollywood mansions overlooking Los Angeles.  They are surrounded by a stable of beautiful young boys.  They are delighted to be included.  It’s always so much fun.  Bryan can make anything happen.  He has so many cool toys.

Bryan films a group of eastern european ‘barely legal’ porn performers ejaculating over him… then shows the video to who ever wants to see.   Many do.   Bryan audaciously dresses as a catholic priest for Halloween, amusing his friends with his ‘ironic’ choice of costume.  Bryan loses his Ferrari in The Beverly Center parking lot and has a panic attack.  He drives with the parking attendant in a golf buggy until he locates the car.

Amy Berg, the Oscar nominated documentary maker has been researching predators like Bryan for the past two years.  Her explosive documentary about sexual misconduct in Hollywood will blow the lid off  those who perpetrate these heinous sex crimes and those in power (sex therapists, law enforcement, prosecutors and the judiciary) who collude with wealthy pedophiles and rapists to keep their sex crimes secret.

This story is no longer just one lone victim brave enough to tell the truth about Bryan Singer.

I like Bryan Singer and rather than sneer at him (as he did me) I am hopeful that someone is keeping a seat warm for him at a Sex Addict meeting where he will find solace and understanding from many other ‘important’ Hollywood men who have fallen from grace whilst arrogantly thinking they could get away with what ever they pleased, when ever they wanted, regardless of price or consequences.

As we shall see.  There are always consequences.  Even for Bryan Singer… and his ilk.

From an earlier blog:

So, this beautiful teenager arrives at a party I’m at last week in the Hollywood Hills.   Fresh off the boat.  He’s beautiful.  He has a fresh, open face…his pale skin is flawless.

Boy

He hadn’t been in Hollywood for longer than a month but already he’s on the arm (unwittingly) of a so called LA ‘producer‘ who, it seems, has immediately pimped the boy out to the head of programming for a popular music network.  The no name, no hope LA producer pimping the boy out… so that he might curry favor with the TV grandee.  Just to be clear… the same LA producer hires young boys to ‘read scripts’ so he has access to their young boy world.

The whores and the pimps and the fairies…

The network head ain’t no beauty. He looks like Dobby from Harry Potter.

So the good looking kid arrives and he tells me that he’s working in NYC with an equally scummy NYC ‘producer’ who always has some starstruck kid on his arm.  The NYC producer looks like he has downs syndrome, he looks like his teeth are too big for his fat, useless head. He looks like he’s wearing a wig but the fringe ain’t deep enough to cover the alcohol bloat, the never was visage.  He was a bullied kid at the expensive school his mother sent him to… signed him up the moment she heard the sperm had hit the egg.

Both of these producers have one thing in common: they have loads of inherited money and never produced anything.

David

They might have their names attached to invisible projects, they might have inveigled their way into the production meeting of some meaningless movie, thrown a little cash behind an artless indi. But, they ain’t never winning no awards, they ain’t never been invited to no Sundance, Berlin or Cannes.  They’ll go anyway, keeping their mouths shut to those who matter and lying to those who don’t.

Should I tell you who they are?

No.

So I’m keeping my head down. I’m not saying a word. I’m instagramming the bar man, I’m already elsewhere…waiting for something real to happen.   Dobby (the music TV network head) shows the man I’m standing with his very smart, smart phone. He’s so excited. There are hi def pictures and video of the same wide eyed teenager at Dobby’s huge house wearing just…a towel.   Yes. The kid is wearing a towel around his waist, his perfectly sculpted body on full view and standing beside him is another, equally cut young teen.

Two young boys.

The inference? You don’t need me to explain this to you do you?

So I take this kid to one side and I ask him if he’s gay? He’s not. I ask him what he thinks of the network head showing everybody his new naked body to anyone the network head needs to impress.

‘They are good guys.’ he reassures me.

No, I say…they are anything but good guys.

You know, all he wants (this kid) is a job, a chance, an opportunity, the dream of celebrity…freedom. He can almost taste it. He knows that these men make all the difference.

His desire for a better life is palpable.  He’ll drink the drinks. Undress, get into the hot tub.

You know, I love beauty. I love it. Look, I’m surrounded with beauty.  My ex-friend might say, oh your just jealous. You’re just jaded because you want what they’ve got,  Believe me, I do just fine. But on terms that do not compromise my integrity.

Would I show random strangers the body of some boy who stands feet from me? Knowing that those artless, semi pornographic images suggest that we are more than just…innocent friends?  The network head winks, smiling…dribbling over the screen on the smart phone.  Dobby’s nose is dripping from undisclosed snorting.

He says, without saying anything: That teen boy…the boy with the perfect abs. He’ll do anything..because he thinks I’m going to get him a role, find him an agent…make him the next teen sensation. LOL.

LAUGHING OUT LOUD!

He lets seasoned Hollywood gays believe that this boy will do just about anything to get on.  Dobby wants you to believe he fucked the boy. Dobby is powerful. Dobby can get whatever he wants. Even the virgin ass of a young boy fresh off the boat. Particularly… the young ass of the boy standing feet away from us, oblivious that he is now the victim of rank objectification and intrigue.

Proud to be gay? Not today.

So I wrote a short email to the NYC ‘producer’ guy. I told him what was going on with his protege. He wrote back immediately…he thought it was hilarious. I reminded the fat, vodka marinated, creep…that the boy…has parents.

P.S.

* For those of you who want to know why I was in jail and why I am currently suing LA County:  my civil rights lawsuit arises from the fact that I was unlawfully held in the Los Angeles County jail for 85 days, in violation of my constitutional right to post bail. (I was a pretrial detainee and eligible to post bail yet the jail did not allow me to post bail). I was denied the opportunity to post bail because U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) had issued an immigration hold (sometimes referred to as an “ICE hold”). An immigration hold is a request from ICE to hold a detainee so that ICE can look into their immigration status; it doesn’t mean the person has violated immigration laws or even that ICE has probable cause to believe they’ve violated immigration laws. At the time of my arrest, the Los Angeles Sheriff’s department routinely denied bail to pretrial detainees with immigration holds, which is illegal under California and federal constitutional standards. Since the filing of my lawsuit, the Los Angeles Sheriff’s Department discontinued this practice and now permits pretrial detainees with ICE holds to post bail.

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Lady Rizo

Des Moines

1.

Monday morning.  Brooklyn.  The end of this particularly hard winter is nowhere in sight.  In LA the sun shines over the glittering sea, in London my friends post pictures of balmy evenings in St James Park. I run from our place to sit in crowded coffee shops.  I’m writing under a pseudonym nowadays for publications that love paying him/her but would never pay me.  Funny.  Doing what writers have always done: assuming different names for different opinions, different styles, different genres.  Consequently, I don’t get to write my blog very often… as I traverse the continent once a month.  From sea to shining sea.  No one understands why I love driving 2,800 miles twice over once a month… but I do.  The last trip was short and sweet.  I stayed in LA a few days then drove back over the Rockies and into a 50 car wreck on the i80 a hundred miles east of Chicago on the Ohio Turnpike.  Trapped on the side of the road for ten hours with two patient dogs and so many bad christian radio stations.  Badly educated, right-wing bigots on the radio.  Wondering out loud how they will roll back the rights of women and gays and undocumented workers, how they will keep hold of their white America.  The America their ancestors battled to tame.  I think about those early Americans very often as I drive over the Rockies,  the hardship they suffered, the dreams they had… the cruelty they inflicted on those who lived on the land they took and the slaves they owned.

I tried sleeping in the car.  Minus 6 degrees.  Occasionally fellow travelers would stop by to see if we were okay.  They offered cookies and consolation.

2.

I’ve been with my boy for 8 months.  We cook at home and watch bad make over TV.  Every day our situation gets stronger as we over come our own and the prejudices of others.  I realized that most of my male gay friends are single, even the ones with the best pedigrees.  The ones who are good-looking and sweet and a ‘good catch’.  I, of course, am none of those things.  I am the bullet you need to dodge.  That’s what they say.  But the gays are eager to diss all of their friends burgeoning relationships.  They are disparaging about anyone who may not be ‘ideal’.  This ideal that keeps them single and lonely.  They look at me sadly when they find out how old L is as if I am deluding myself that my relationship could ever work.  Did I think it would work?  Well, not in some fairy tale way, not the way gay writers write the perfect arrangement… the ideal.  We muddle through, we miss each other when we are apart, we fight occasionally but not as much as we did when we first met.  All in all, I’m happy and feel love from him and let my love flow… to him.  That’s occasionally a very confusing and baffling thing for me.  To let myself be loved.

3.

In Des Moines, I met Kookie Kardashian… the morbidly obese (500lb), hirsute… older sister of Kim Kardashian and Kourtney Kardashian.  She is the least known of the KKK Klan.  Drinking alone in a dump of a hotel bar, reruns of KUWTK playing on the flickering TV above the tequila selection, staring absently into a soupy pina colada.  Text messages remained unanswered as she pulls at her thin mustache. I introduce myself, she says she appreciates the company.  Apparently, when the cameras are in her Calabasas house Kris makes her leave with the undocumented servants.  Kris pokes her with a stick.  Kookie said that Ryan Seacrest called her a ‘fat cunt’, that if she wanted to be on the show she should ‘get a fucking lap band’.  Kookie, blinded by grief, drinks herself regularly into a blackout.  She commandeered Kanye’s jet and took it to Iowa. Her brushed denim and patent leather Fendi bag stuffed with cash. If she loses the weight… Kris promised her that she and Rob can have their own show.

She told me she misses her dad.

4.

Has anyone been watching the OWN Lindsay Lohan ‘documentary’? That girl is OUT OF HER MIND. A world without consequence will do that to you. A world where nobody has the guts to confront an addict and her worst defects. A world where she believes she is still important or relevant, a world where no one will tell her that death is imminent… like Heath, Phil, River… living in a room stuffed with clothes, jewelry… evidence of active addiction.

Despicably, this tragedy is being manipulated by entertainment industry matriarch Oprah Winfrey… the disingenuous bad mum who knew all along that her little girl would let her down. Oprah’s fake outrage is utterly disgusting.

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Hannah

Jacob Brown and Andrew Durbin

1.

Yesterday the HRC hijacked another celebrity coming out to further their own white, elite agenda.  Shame on you Chad Griffin.

So, Ellen Pagecomes out‘ with Chad at her side and (as scripted) is immediately hailed as ‘brave’ by the neo liberal media for telling her truth.  Big fucking deal.  Did Ellen Page come out in Uganda, risking her life?  Did Ellen Page use her power and prestige to help those less fortunate lesbians in other parts of the world who risk being imprisoned or worse for the luxury of telling their truth?  No, she talked about how hard it was for her to crash stereotypes.

Poor Ellen.  My heart bleeds for you.

As more and more celebrities come out it is no longer good enough to expect and prepare for fanfare without their truth becoming a political gesture.   It is not good enough for a celebrity in the free world to expect a ‘small gesture’ toward acceptance to be adequate.

Small gestures need to get bigger.  It is the responsibility of every lgbtq celebrity who comes out to address the disparity between their free lives and their oppressed brothers and sisters else where.  For Ellen Page not to mention Uganda, Russia etc. was willful and selfish.

After all, what did she expect… a fucking medal?  No, all she was doing was safeguarding her job and her position and her fame and fortune.

2.

Party last night at Jacob Brown‘s East Village duplex.  Celebrating his birthday were cute thin people, two old farts… me and the perfectly adorable producer Hunter Hill.   Crowd included (amongst others) the delectable poet Andrew Durbin and former MOCA head honcho Ari Wiseman.

I loved that my controversial green fur hat found favor with this cool, queer crowd.

3.

Valentine’s Day, enjoying my burgeoning relationship.

We decided to have dinner at Isa in Williamsburg.  We’d heard good things and it looked very lively when we passed by this summer.

We popped in at lunch time to make our reservation and the young lady maitre’d dutifully jotted it down, took names and numbers and the promise of a two top.

At 8pm we arrived at Isa.  The booking was lost, we were given the end of a community table under a loud speaker playing the most intrusive music, the waiters seemed to be very eager to process EVERYONE in and out very quickly.

We were asked by 4 separate people if we were sure we didn’t want alcohol.

Anyway, I ordered the rustic tomato soup and the skirt steak.  The soup was ok but served in very small dish.  The skirt steak entree was ghastly.  It was like chewing through a shoe.  A rubber shoe.  I sent it back and the duck special was whisked to our table in its place.  The duck was ok, not very well seasoned, the polenta was soupy and badly prepared and $30.  The tiny dish of $7 brussels sprouts were tepid and badly flash fried leaving most of them untouched by the pan… temperature issues at Isa became an irritating theme.

Our coffee was also cold so I left it.

The staff were the kind of people who try to shame you for making a complaint.  Condescending young people who are used to old people putting up and shutting up.  “Do you think you’ll like the duck better.”  He asked after I sent back the inedible steak… he asked as if I had some sort of learning disability.  No, I’m just past 45 years old.  I can hear and understand just fine.

We attempted to leisurely enjoy our dinner but the waiter was eager to snatch our unfinished dishes, “Still working on that?” they pestered.  YES!!  Leave us alone I wanted to scream but I didn’t.  This was obviously the worst choice for a Valentines dinner.   A total waste of time and money.

Here are some recent moments:

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Williamsburg Snow
In the bleak midwinter, frosty wind made moan,
Earth stood hard as iron, water like a stone;
Snow had fallen, snow on snow, snow on snow,
In the bleak midwinter, long ago.

Christina Rossetti

It’s snow day here in NYC.  Me and the man are at his place in Williamsburg.  It’s been 5 months now.  Seems to be enduring.  We are watching a neo-liberal straight man mock elderly Russians in Sochi for their old-fashioned views about gay people.  He really didn’t have to go that far to find narrow-minded people with hate in their hearts for the gays.

He could have gone to New Jersey.

As for narrow minds… just because one’s a gay doesn’t mean that you have a naturally expanded view of the world… that you are more insightful, more agreeable, less prejudiced or liberal.  Yet, the pro gay press wouldn’t dare reveal the dark side of the gay for fear of annoying their new pay masters.

Ask dumb gay people what they think about immigration, women’s rights, racism and laugh at their fucked up right wing views. Yes, do it.

What a delightful diversion the gays have become.   Whilst we fight to be in the military the military fights illegal wars, whilst we demand benefits those same benefits are taken away in the name of austerity, whilst we line up to get married the divorce rate soars.

With that in mind I thought I might share my recent queer adventures with the gays.

Given that the gays in AA pretty much write their own rules… writing about them seems perfectly ok.  After all, we are meant to keep what we see and hear in AA a big fucking secret.  The gays rarely play by that fundamental rule.

They sit before meetings gossiping and cruelly discussing what they heard at their gay AA meetings.  “My sponsor HATES him.”  I heard some bitchy queen exclaim.  So I asked what kind of sponsor hates people in AA and tells his sponsee?  That didn’t go down very well.

Nope.

Gay AA is a cult within a cult.

The man just cooked me breakfast.   He really seems to love me.  Being loved is always a surprise. Whenever it happens.  The delightful routine, the domesticity, the kissing.  Taking the dogs for long walks in the snow.

IMG_7019

1.

Philip Seymour Hoffman died this week.  The rooms of AA were full of weeping newcomers grieving his death.  Finding spurious reasons to hitch their wagon to his hearse.  Sober people with many years of sobriety rolled their eyes as crocodile tears drenched the disingenuous faces of people claiming intimate friendship with the deceased film star.

At the Perry Street morning AA meeting the press stood in packs, enduring the frigid February winds waiting for people who might have known PSH.  Many were less than discreet and sang like canaries.

The press was awash with sentimental descriptions of Hoffman, endless references to his ‘genius’ ‘talent’ and the ‘tragic waste of life’.

There were long essays by addiction ‘experts’ describing how addicts like Hoffman had no choice, that he was predestined to die with a needle in his arm, that his death symbolized something more in American culture that just the death of a ‘lonely’ junky.

You know, junkies who are taking drugs on the lam tend to isolate.  It’s hard to load a syringe, find a vein and discreetly nod off in a room full of people.  Especially when you are a household name.  He wasn’t lonely, he was alone.  He needed to be on his own to conduct his junky life.

The police arrested the guys who allegedly sold Hoffman the heroin.  They arrested the wrong people.   They should have gone after the directors of the ‘for profit’ treatment center he attended last year.  The snake oil sales men who promise relief from active addiction by cosseting addicts in expensive rehabs, re packaging the 12 steps of AA with no chance of long-term sobriety.

Criminal sober people with no interest in helping the desperate addict, just screwing them for the big bucks year after year for short-term relief.

Anyway, he’s dead.  Just like thousands of other junkies all over the USA but he gets a fanfare… they get a pauper’s grave and the shame of the addict heaped upon them.

Addicts are selfish, self obsessed monsters.  He chose to call his dealer rather than reach out to a sober person.  He chose to load his syringe rather than pick his kids up from school.

Now he has a million apologists who think he had no choice at all.

2.

Yesterday I signed up for the NYU AA men’s retreat to be held at Bill W’s house in Massachusetts.

As I walked into the room where the event was being organized the young gay white men with no more than 7 years of sobriety looked imperiously at me.  They could scarcely concealed their contempt or their bitchy sneers as I sat down and asked pertinent questions about travel and accommodation.

Their faces began to droop however, as they grasped that there was very little they could do to exclude me from coming to their cozy gay event.   The idea they could be trapped at a country retreat with me… for three days filled them with total horror.

The Gay men from the controlling gay AA cabal… who don’t even attend the NYU AA meeting are organizing the event.   I’m perfectly sure they went into isolation overdrive.  What could they do to get rid of me?

They were texting each other furiously.

We will see what shenanigans they come up with.  This is going to be very interesting.

3.

Jon Fortin/Zac Bissonnette

Last Saturday I went to the birthday party of a model publicist at The Skylark on 39th St.  It was a dreary affair, too few people bumping around a cavernous space.  Andy Roddick and Brooklyn Decker, a gaggle of ‘event gays’ and some asian women I convinced my friend were rifling his gym bag.  Yes, he had his gym bag with him.

After a moment of party remorse I decided to talk to some dull looking gays at the bar.  I wasn’t disappointed.  They were terrible.  Anyhow, I was introduced to one mealy-mouthed homo called Jon.  Jon who?  Jon Fortin.  He told us that he had started and had consequently left the organization GoProud the Republican gay group that represents gay conservatives and their allies.

I thought  Jimmy LaSalvia started GoProud?  No?  Hadn’t he recently renounced his republican affiliation?

Hmmm,  Jon Fortin.  Name didn’t sound familiar, between cranberry and sodas I snuck away and there on my second screen was Jon Fortin.   Google turned up very little about Jon Fortin other than a brief mention in the Gay Blade as a booth helper at the RNC and in his Linkedin profile as a Political Consultant for GoProud, The Whitehouse and John McCain.

He took my number and we met for brunch the following day with my friend Vanessa.  The brunch was very enlightening.  Firstly, he told us that he had fucked Aaron Schock the republican to whom Itay Hod alluded in some crude Facebook posting but was subsequently roundly discredited.

Jon described how he had picked Aaron up from Dulles airport, taken him to his hotel and fucked him.  It was very convincing.  My friend and I were both entranced.

Secondly, after brunch… during the boring Super Bowl he took me to one side and with sad eyes and wet mouth revealed that he had left his wallet at home in another coat.   As you may know dear readers I really don’t mind paying for lunch but I really mind paying for alcohol.

He left, promising to make it up to me the following day.  Yet, when the following day came around he refused to meet me on the east side where I was at my 12.30 AA meeting (listening to PSH stories) preferring a spot near where I lived.

Annoyed that I was being asked to walk 15 blocks through ten inches of wet slush I balked.  I told him that it was up to him to come to me as he owed me lunch.  After a bit of text argy bargy which included him telling me that I should just forget about how much lunch cost, he decided to leave $72 in dimes at my club which they very kindly processed.

It was an amusing stunt and one that had taken some careful preparation.

He paid his share.  I didn’t care if it were in pennies or euros.  It was paid.  Republicans believe that we are all ultimately responsible for our actions and there are consequences for our mistakes.  It was only right that he paid.

That was that… I thought.  Until this morning when an unidentified source revealed that rather than ‘political consultant Jon Fortin’ I had in fact fallen foul of Brayden Forrester porn star and hooker.

I Googled Brayden Forrester and my screen was ablaze!

Of course he had ‘lost’ his wallet.  Of course he was pissed that I asked him to pay his share.  Poor love.  I felt rather sorry for him.  30-year-old ex porn star fails to secure free lunch at exclusive club.

I let him know what I knew about his porno past and he called me a train wreck, a psycho, mentally ill, insane.   The usual insults.  I’m used to them.  Yep.  Sounds accurate.

Jon.  What did you do?

I received calls from the gays.  Don’t blog about him… it will ruin his life.  Ruin his life?  How?

In my humble opinion the truth will set Jon Fortin free.  He should shamelessly embrace his Brayden past.  The gays love a good porn star and Brayden knows how to take a big cock/load.  CHECK IT OUT BITCHES.  He’s far more interesting to me as Brayden than he ever will be as Jon.  Most gays agree.  Lance Black only benefitted from those X Rated pics of him getting fucked… in the ass… without protection.

My unfortunate encounter with Jon/Brayden reminded me of the equally repugnant/misguided writer gay:  Zac Bissonnette, author of the perfectly revolting and poorly written book  How To Be Richer, Smarter, and Better Looking Than Your Parents.  Yes, he really wrote a book with that title.

This elitist prick became infuriated when I mentioned on Facebook that he didn’t write particularly well to my friend Benoit Denizet-Lewis.  This solicited from Zac the sort of invective only the gays have ever reserved for me.

Zac trolled the internet and after reading vile and libelous comments left by anonymous queens… repeated them back to me as facts.  Accusing me of being a pedophile, trying to shame me for filling for bankruptcy, suggesting that I deserved to be in jail, he reminded me that I am old and ugly.  You know, the usual gay shit.

Smelling a delicious and potentially lucrative law suit I urged Bissonnette to make the pedophile accusation public.  Of course… he refused.  “Without proof I would never say that publicly, do you think I’m an idiot?” He minced.

Yes, I think you’re an idiot… Zac.

Zac (like Jon) believes that unless you are living a life that almost exactly replicates his with his specific design for gay living you may as well be dead.   In an attempt at peacemaking Zac offered an olive branch but it’s kind of hard to forgive a man who accuses you groundlessly of fucking children.

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Marc Jacobs Hat

I bought a huge green fur hat from Marc Jacobs.  It’s very warm, very green and attracts many, many comments.

The people who comment fall into three distinct groups.

1.  The people who comment most are African-American men and women who approach me with huge smiles and open hearts and say wonderful things about the hat.

They tell me how happy it makes them.  They ask where they could get one.  They love the color. They hold me at the checkout at Trader Joe’s and ask if they can touch it.  Black school kids holler across the street.

2.  White woman tentatively tell me how much they like it, how warm they imagine it is.  They rarely look me in the eye and their diminished confidence allows them only the slightest… but genuine opinion.

3.  Gay men.  I sighed writing that.  Gay men.  I sighed again.

When gay white men (strangers) talk to me about my hat it is always with sneering disregard.   They go out of their way to say something catty and unpleasant.   They look at me witheringly, their comments infused with: who do you think you are wearing that absurd hat?   They dress compliments up in such a way that confuses the listener.

If the African-Americans who complement my hat had not done so I would have nothing to compare the responses of the gays.  I might think I was going crazy.  But I’m not.

We all know what a heartfelt compliment sounds like and the gays seem incapable of giving one… unless (of course) they want to get laid.

Here are more pictures of our brief stay in Malibu and our trip home.

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02 Nazi rally, 1937

1.

Homosexuals were separated into two distinct groups during the Third Reich.  

The first, an elite corp who acquiesced to the National Socialist German Workers’ Party and found favor with Adolf Hitler.  Adolf conveniently turned a blind eye to their ‘degenerate’ ways (like Margaret Thatcher 50 years later) whilst simultaneously enacting anti homosexual legislation.  

The other group of homosexual men and women were less fortunate.  The thriving LGBTQ ‘out’ community were rounded up and sent to the concentration camps where thousands were murdered, raped and experimented upon in barbaric clinical trials.

They were the butch dykes, the fairies, the trans.  They refused to keep quiet or give in to the newly established master race and paid dearly for their rebellion.

During the past year I asked 100 gay men if they had lived in Nazi Germany would they have joined the Nazi party?  Not one said yes.

We delude ourselves that we are more anti-establishment than we actually are.

I asked 100 jewish gay men under the age of 30 if they could imagine a white homosexual elite sending LGBTQ people to the gas chambers.  86% could not imagine a gay nazi sending anyone to the gas chambers.  They could not imagine what a gay Nazi looked like.

Ernst Rohm, the head of the SA (the Brownshirts) – the forerunner of the SS – was gay, as were several other key figures such as his deputy Edmund Heines.  

Röhm’s chiefs, men of the rank of Gruppenfuehrer or Obergruppenfuehrer, commanding units of several hundred thousand Storm Troopers, were almost without exception homosexuals. Indeed, unless a Storm Troop officer were homosexual, he had no chance of advancement.

Hitler was aware of Röhm’s homosexuality.  They were so close that they addressed each other as du (the German familiar form of “you”). No other Nazi leader enjoyed that privilege, and their close association led to rumors that Hitler himself was homosexual.

Röhm was the only Nazi leader who dared to address Hitler by his first name “Adolf” rather than “mein Führer.”

Rohm was instrumental in the rise of Nazism.   When Hitler decided to do away with his great friend it was with a heavy heart.  Nothing could or would get in the way of Hitler’s ambition to rule the world.  Roehm’s parochial mindset was his undoing.

After the night of the long knives Roehm was sent to prison where he was given the option to commit suicide or executed.  When the time came he stood bare chested in his cell, his chest puffed out.  He was shot point blank.  He was 46 when he died.

Rohm and his homosexual gang of bullying Brown Shirts believed that they were invincible.  They allied themselves to Hitler and disgracefully purged their own.

Rohm’s story might have some relevance today as the Fascist State of Gay takes shape in the USA.   Buoyed by Presidential support, organizations like GLAAD and the HRC use bullying rhetoric and bullying behaviors.  Our unelected gay officials go unchecked, unchallenged by the establishment who are wary of being described as ‘homophobic’ and dissenting LGBTQ accused of ‘self loathing’.

Surprisingly we have all become quietly consumed by the Fascist State of Gay.   Look around you.

Capital_Gay_Pride_parade_in_Albany_New_York_2009

Fascist regimes tend to make constant use of patriotic mottos, slogans, symbols, songs, and other paraphernalia.

Rainbow flags are everywhere, symbols on clothing and public displays.  The rainbow flag flies proudly over businesses, lights up the Empire State Building and thousands upon thousands line the streets during every ‘pride’ manifestation.  

I wondered if the Rainbow flag was my flag and what it represented.  

Truro cornwall gay pride parade 23.08.08

I imagined the Gay Pride parade like the great communist militaristic parades during the 1970’s, the parades of other fascist regimes.   Buff, bare-chested boys for all gays to aspire to.   Overseen by the gay white elite, like the polit bureau… like Hitler surveying the perfect blond youth of Nazi Germany.

The gays have, within a very short time, achieved huge and enviable human rights gains.  Yet, within the broader gay community there is a disdain for the recognition of other human rights.  Gay white men seem fatigued when asked if they support the rights of women, people of color, undocumented workers, the freedom of expression for all.

Despite Glenn Greenwald (a gay white man) championing the causes of both Chelsea Manning and Edward Snowdon these human rights heroes have found little favor within the larger gay white male community.  My friend and writer Benoit Denizet-Lewis dismisses Glenn Greenwald as ‘unattractive and unnecessarily combatative’.

Because of fear of enemies and the need for security, the fascist state of gay believe certain human rights can be ignored because of “need.”   They (like the general population) look the other way, approve of torture, summary executions, assassinations, long incarcerations of prisoners, etc.

Within a very short time the gays have forgotten that all of the above were once used against… us.

The Fascist State of Gay, using organizations like GLAAD, identifies Enemies/Scapegoats as a unifying cause.     The gays are rallied into a patriotic frenzy over the need to eliminate a perceived common threat or foe: racial, ethnic or religious.

Gay white men believe in racial purity.

I asked 100 white, gay men under the age of 30 years old if it was reasonable or unreasonable for others to state on their Gay Dating App or Gay Hookup Website a specific racial preference (no Asians/blacks/Latinos etc.)  85% of those interviewed stated that they thought it ‘reasonable’.

I asked 100 white, gay men under the age of 30 years old if it was reasonable or unreasonable for others to state on their Gay Dating App or Gay Hookup Website a preferred  ‘interest’ in men who had penis’ over 10 inches long.  92% of those interviewed thought it ‘unreasonable’.

To the Fascist State of Gay the end of DADT was a profound victory.  They believe in the supremacy of the military.  Soldiers and military service are glamorized/sexualized.

Within the Fascist State of Gay there is rampant sexism.  Women are degraded, trans derided.   Fascist cults tend to be almost exclusively male-dominated. Under fascist regimes, traditional gender roles are made more rigid.

The Fascist State of gay seeks to control mass media. Sympathetic media spokespeople and executives.  Encouraging self censorship, the ownership of certain ‘gay’ words that only gays are privileged to use.

Within the Fascist State of Gay there is rampant cronyism.  Fascist regimes almost always are governed by groups of friends and associates who appoint each other to positions of power and use governmental power and authority to protect their friends from accountability.

Powerful anti establishment voices within the LGBTQ community are silenced, those with alternative views… alienated.

I asked 100 gay men if trans Chelsea Manning should be pardoned for leaking classified documents.  5% said yes.  42% said no.  53% didn’t know who she was.

I asked if those who knew who she was thought her a hero or a traitor.  Most gay white men who knew her name described Chelsea Manning as a traitor.

Denver Nicks, one of Chelsea’s biographers, writes that the leaked material, particularly the diplomatic cables, was widely seen as a catalyst for the Arab Spring that began in December 2010.

When we were young (foolishly imagining a gay Utopia) we fought for an inclusive gay community under the rainbow flag…  evolved from years of brutal struggle.  Sadly, our community is anything other than inclusive.  The dream some of us had has been highjacked by naturally right-wing, affluent, gay, white men who merely tolerate others in the unwilling LGBTQ coalition.

2.

A Long Time Coming.

On the morning of London Gay Pride, 1983 I was taken by friends to a small party near The Houses of Parliament.  The men I met there were drinking champagne. They were closeted, openly right-wing and sneered at the ‘herd’ gathering across the Vauxhall Bride to celebrate their gayness.

I remember them laughing at the bull dykes, the fairies and the trans.

These men were powerful, public school/Oxbridge educated men holding important positions in government.  Civil Servants, Member’s of Parliament and to my surprise, lurking in a corner, an ex Prime Minister.

One of the men at that small party was Michael Trestrail the Queen’s personal protection officer who had resigned the year before after being ‘outed’ by the press.  Apparently he had taken a liking to me.  The others boasted about him… as if his proximity to the Queen and his infamy would persuade me to have sex with him.

I asked him about his resignation.  He seemed less than eager to talk about it, lunging at me for a wet kiss.  I recoiled.

Many of the men in the room like MP Harvey Procter (even though he later resigned for having sex with underage boys) would stand mute beside Margaret Thatcher as she enacted laws based on her loathing of homosexuals… unless, of course they shared her right wing values and kept their gay lives to themselves.

Not one of those gay men would challenge Thatcher.  Like Ken Mehlman in the USA (who stood by the Bushes deferring to their homophobia) they ignored the plight of the many to line their own pockets.  It is the first of the tenets of fascism: OBEDIENCE.  As Andy Tobias wrote in his best selling book The Best Little Boy in The World a self loathing gay man will do whatever it takes to go unnoticed by excelling where ever he can.

Rights, it turned out, were reserved for the few not for the people.  Realizing that these men were scoundrels I drank their champagne, laughed at their views and kept my pants on.  Recognizing a dog in the manger I was quickly sent to join my own kind drinking beer and playing tug of war behind The Royal Vauxhall Tavern.   As it turned out, these men did not forget my appearance at their party and caused, wherever they could, as much trouble for me as they were able.

Right wing gays in the UK have nothing on the right wing gays in the USA.

Purity.  Military.  Obedience .

I have always been a thorn in the side of the establishment.  Last year, if I needed any further proof, messing with the right wing velvet mafia proved very dangerous.  Critical of their business practices and on the precipice of revealing fraud and sexual unmanageability they had me arrested and switches flipped deep in government that held me illegally in LA County Jail.

I was told by one powerful man within the Democratic Party that the media mogul ex boyfriend of the man I accused of defrauding me had seriously considered ‘putting a bullet in my head’.

The white male gays, emboldened by the repeal of DOMA and DADT are not interested in creating an inclusive LGBTQ community.  They would prefer that bisexuals did not exist, that the trans put on men’s clothes/owned their penis, that the lesbians do their dirty work and the queers sent to prison.

Their Utopia, under their rainbow flag, does not include us.  It is a terrible sham, and sooner or later we will wake up to what is happening under the pride banner.  Acts of rebellion may become forcefully suppressed… like the flash mobbing of San Francisco Pride in support of Chelsea Manning.

The relationship between the gays, the establishment and the corporations is ideal for all involved.  Every gay man infected with HIV will, during his lifetime, generate a million dollars plus in added revenue to big pharma.  The gays (white males) are avid consumers and have been embraced as ideal capitalists.   They are good at being good, they seldom break the law.  They are clear about their message.  They have, in terms of human rights, leapt over those of the blacks and women.

Nothing will stop them.  Except maybe… their hubris.

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I didn’t tell you about New Years Eve.  We, DL, LM and I… drove to Cold Springs, Upstate New York to the elegant country house of ace fashion PR Kelly Cutrone.

A beautifully decorated cottage, marquee in the garden, 3 delicious courses for dinner including wild Salmon and filet mignon served by charming staff.

Amongst Kelly’s 50 plus amusing friends included the delightful director Lloyd Kramer and his wife.  Lloyd directed Liz and Dick with Lindsay Lohan.   We swapped bad actress horror stories.  He told me about her and I told him about Liz Hurley.  You should have been the fly on the wall.

After dinner we all watched a wonderful firework display.

Anyway, here are the pics and vid from that night:

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First, if you’re going to out someone, then out them. Itay Hod did not out Schock in his piece, he outed a “hypothetical” congressman who just happens to fit Schock’s resume. He also presented thin evidence, which consisted of hearsay from an unnamed journalist friend and video footage that he claims TMZ has of Schock “trolling gay bars.” Hod knows a Facebook post is the only place this cuts it; that’s why it appeared there and not at any publication.
Secondly, a group of several gay journalists and activists on Twitter — including Dan Savage, Michelangelo Signorile, John Aravosis and Josh Barro — have decided that mocking Schock for exhibiting stereotypically gay attributes, like caring about his clothes and body, or following Daley on Instagram is the way of dealing with him. This is the same sort of behavior that the same people have said is harmful when it happens to closeted LGBT kids in schools. And, when I look at this happening publicly, I know that those closeted kids could be seeing it too. If it’s harmful for those kids to see athletes say anti-LGBT things, how isn’t it harmful for them to see prominent out people teasing Schock for his pants?

Chris Geidner

Chris Geidner is the sole brave gay journalist who dared criticize the velvet mafia for their inchoate name calling and bullying… aimed at Republican Politician Aaron Schock… the reason for this gay vitriol?   Hunky journalist (we only agree with the good-looking ones) Itay Hod posted some ugly, muddled references on his Facebook page to a man who might hypothetically be Aaron Schock.

I’m not a fan of Aaron, he’s a typical… loathsome republican with typically unpalatable views with an unlikely sartorial edge, an atypical personal aesthetic and a body that most gay men seem to die for.

Most gay men seem to think Aaron has a ‘gay body’ so must be gay.

Rather than homosexual… Aaron Schock looks to me like a right-wing narcissus.  Remember the art of the Third Reich?  Remember Die ParteiArno Breker‘s statue representing the spirit of the Nazi Party, fetishizing male perfection?   Like most young contemporary gays, young nazis were encouraged to aspire to an idealized body as proof of their loyalty to the state (the state of gay) and their undying patriotism.  A common right-wing obsession.

Aaron has embraced the people’s fascination with his perfect abs and pecs whilst extolling the values of racial purity, militarism, and obedience.  Perhaps that’s exactly why the white, elite gays believe Aaron is a homosexual… because he is a full on, 100%, bone fide narcissist.

And, if you are wondering… defending him from the gay mafia does not make me a self loathing homosexual.  It makes my blood boil that hate speak usually reserved for gay people is being used by gay people against a man who may or may not be gay.

Aaron!  If you had only kept your abs to yourself, your (some might say) good looks under wraps… and your Instagram private… the gays wouldn’t have noticed you in the first place.  But all those pics of you with your bronzed pecs and tight white underwear have driven the gays wild.  And, like Tom Cruise before you… all the gays really want… is… to fuck you… convincing themselves and others that if they want you that badly… there’s no chance you’re straight.

You’ve confused the average gay, blindsided him with your million watt smile.

If you had been an ugly troll saying hateful things… the gays wouldn’t care less who you were fucking.  Anyway, they’d have already caught you with your mouth behind a glory hole or paying for boys on rentboy.com and dismissed you with a limp wave and a meh.

But Aaron, much to their consternation, you seem to be sexually abstinent.  Nobody has caught you with your pants down with anyone… male or female. Because you don’t take your pants down?  The gays NEVER understand celibacy or abstinence or how all men are not exactly like them.  It drives them crazy that they can’t catch you, shame you, kill the demon of homophobia within… then fuck you.

Itay Hod and his jacked up supporters are crude, repellent people. Old fashioned bullies… judgmental and prescriptive. If you dare disagree with their group think assessment you will be damned to hell… just like Chris Geidner…

For a bunch of guys who loathe judgement in others the gays sure got judgmental about the rest of the world.  Since the Supreme Court DOMA decision the gays have woken up… emboldened, embracing their power.  Like children, testing their parameters, the boundaries of what can and what can’t be said or done.  Sadly, after a life time of hibernation, they have taken on the attributes of their worst enemies.

Dan Savage, Michelangelo Signorile, John Aravosis, Josh Barro.

They are, after all, just men.  White gay men, looking down their noses at the rest of us.

While the affluent, white gays sink into a sanctimonious swamp the rest of the LGBTQ alliance look on at them with barely concealed embarrassment.

Their treatment of Schlock, their asinine assumption that he is gay based on pics of his bare-chested, manicured body… his trousers, his shoes… says more about them and the type of gays they are… than the kind of straight man Schock is.

Dodgy circumstantial evidence convicts Aaron Schock of homosexuality in the court of the velvet mafia.  Using gossip and here say, bad shoe pics and plaid pants as indisputable proof of his gayness.

This is BULLSHIT!

I thought is was who we were fucking and loving rather than who we were aping that made us gay?

Perhaps Aaron Sch-jock is truly asexual?  Maybe he’s waiting for the right guy… maybe he’s a pedophile practicing abstinence… or suffers erectile dysfunction and hates the gays because they are so obsessed with hard cocks?

What of it?  It’s all conjecture until he tells us what he is if he feels so compelled.

The guy is a republican hater who dresses like a european and loves showing off his abs… have you seen Instagram or Tumblr recently? Based on this proof… this ‘criteria’… the whole world (hopefully) would be gay.  All of my young straight friends are posting pics of their abs and their shoes on Instagram and Tumblr every day.

Haven’t we got past this crap?  That only pansies and girls do that sort of thing?

God forbid, what happens if Aaron comes out? Like Ken Mehlman before… who caused untold harm to fellow gay people.   If indeed Schock is gay and comes out?  There will be a parade.  It will take the baying gays about ten seconds to shamelessly forget his homophobia, objectify his abs… go to his pool parties and drink his vodka whilst he condemns immigrants, destroys women’s rights and turns a blind eye to racist colleagues.

But don’t worry… he’ll be out and proud.

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I felt both overwhelmed and liberated in 2013.  Simultaneously.

I spent the past few hours un-subscribing from 100 mailing lists from whom I receive emails begging for money.  All perfectly decent causes, gun control, black theatre, saving the ocean, climate control, Unicef, the world wildlife fund, democratic causes, mercy for animals, slow money…

I un-subscribed from cook shops, travel companies, furniture stores and fashion lines.  I spent a few moments each day erasing my name from the lists I added myself in the hope of being better informed, no more Gawker or Huffington Post or the Daily Beast.

It was an odd year.  It was unusually diverse.  I continued writing my film tho I stopped talking about it.  I met thieving producers and film industry liars.  I spent time with weed smoking Susan Sarandon in the back of her ping-pong club.  

Away from the film I travelled to Martha’s Vineyard, to Des Moines and over the Rocky Mountains.   I travelled by car all over America.  Los Angeles to New York and back again… three times.  I was constantly surprised by American kindness whenever I found it.  

I fell in and out of love with AA.  In and out of love with the gays tho… mostly out of love.

We are presently finalizing our divorce.

During the past months I began a strange adventure with a young man who I tentatively call my boy friend.  I began to dream again… of better things… even though I am still cautious and burned.  Erring toward single at all times.

I wrote a great deal but never published a word of it.

I wrote indignant things like this…

I am queer.  They are gay.  They are white and affluent.  They want to get married and join the army.  They want to assimilate.  That’s what they say.

When you question them… when you ask them what assimilation looks like… they still want to keep gay pride, gay bars, gay apps, gay film festivals, gay morality.

They want the gay section in the bookshop, the ‘gay voice’ section in The Huffington Post.  They don’t really understand what assimilation looks like because most of them are too comfy not assimilating.

He said, “This is all about your internalized homophobia.” I smiled.  “It’s not internalized, it’s externalized.”

One can devote ones life to betrayal.  Betrayed by parents, family members, institutions, schools, by loved ones even the country of ones origin.  I have felt a smidgen from all of the above.  Yet, I forgave my family, my school, the class system, my beloved country.

Because I wanted to be free.

I huffed and puffed about the NSA, I applauded Glen Greenwald and Chelsea Manning and Ed Snowdon.  I stopped worrying about who could read whatever I was writing privately or which ever websites I was wacking to because there is nothing private.  Not any more.

I met literary heroes on Fire Island like Andy Tobias and had breakfast with John Walters, I spent sultry nights on Cape Cod.  I started Anger Management classes and enjoy them tremendously.

My counsellor asks things like, “Where in your body to you feel the anger first?”

I began to identify the genesis of my anger and feelings of uncomfortability.  It usually starts with a demand for money from a worthy cause.  A picture or video of a screaming rabbit as it is having it’s fur pulled off or a pile of euthanized dogs waiting to be incinerated.

It was the hopelessness that infuriated me, the cruelty, the stupidity, the hypocrisy.

I came to conclusions in 2013.  That I do not, have never had, am not interested in… A CAREER!   Careers, I realized, are… for other people.  For those who may be interested in a legacy.  I stopped calling myself a film maker and started telling people, if they asked, that I do… nothing.

I understood that wherever I found myself both good or bad I was meant to be.  It was all for a reason.  A reason that would one day be revealed to me.  That my life was a series of choreographed moments. The life of a narcissist.  That the cameras I learned to love whilst in the reality show had always been there and had never gone away.

In 2013 I never gave up.  I waited patiently.  I didn’t worry about the future nor was I enslaved to the past.  For this I was grateful.

Occasionally I hankered to go home but knew that after a few days in Whitstable I would find my life shrinking and darkening.  I did not go home.  Though, I spoke more to my Mother this year and was curious about my nieces and nephews.

Finally the JB entanglement came to an end one nondescript day in November.  I wanted to write to him and make amends for the mess I had caused.

But I wrote this instead… it was never sent.

An apology is owed.

I was wrong to lie to you.  I was wrong to lose my temper.  I was wrong to fight you.  I was wrong to have asked for money to be paid when you owed me nothing.  I was wrong to have blamed you for any part of our unhealthy association.  The blame must fall squarely at my feet for everything that went wrong.   The moment you came out I should have politely walked way… I did not.   I was advised by everyone I knew and cared about… to walk away from you but chose to ignore their good suggestion.   I should have thanked you and walked away.  I regret very much that I did not.  I am extremely remorseful.  Due to my weakness of character I initiated a drama that harmed you and caused distress to your family.  I should have walked away.  The moment you told me you were gay.   I know that you are happy now.   I know that your happiness will continue.

It took two years to own up.

2013.  Un-subscribing to websites, making amends, keeping my side of the street clean, owning up, anger management.

Let’s see what 2014 will bring.

As the years pass by, unrelenting, amazing, fulfilling, desperate, happy, sad.

Even though I have filled my homes with art and furniture and friends and the lingering smells of delicious feasts… even though I have made films and plays and paintings…. all I have ever wanted, really craved… was peace of mind.

I’m getting there.  Slowly.  A Happy and Prosperous New Year everyone.

Kay Saatchi and Tim Willis

If a woman, an individual woman multiplied by billions, does not believe in her own discrete existence and therefore cannot credit the authenticity of her own suffering, she is erased, canceled out, and the meaning of her life, whatever it is, whatever it might have been, is lost. This loss cannot be calculated or comprehended.  It is vast and awful, and nothing will ever make up for it.

― Andrea DworkinRight Wing Women

I never met Nigella Lawson, not yet.

She is still relevant.  She is the battered wife.  The super woman who drowned her sorrows in cocaine as her former husband lay dying of cancer and her ex husband allegedly emotionally brutalized her.

I only meet women like Nigella when they become irrelevant.

In my distant social orbit, light years from the warming sun of acceptability, circle the flotsam and jetsam of international society.  Isolated by ignominy, the ex wives of current politicians, media titans and corporate mega moguls float in and out of the rooms of AA, expensive treatment centers in the Arizona desert, The San Fernando Valley and Malibu.

Aping the lives they once had with limitless funds, they buy a few stems of bruised tuba rose* from the same florist who once filled their many mansions with exotic blooms.  Sumptuous bouquets placed on valuable escritoire, on silvered night stands, on grand dining tables.

As she leaves, she stands briefly on the threshold, looking down at her guilty feet and apologizes for the frugal fist of sweet smelling blooms.  The florist looks on piteously knowing that her younger, more glamorous successor can spend whatever she pleases.

The lonely ex-wife arranges a slim vase in her well-appointed but humble apartment in Pimlico moments from where she and her spouse once lived on Eaton Square.

These cast off ex-wives, these frosty women, their faces wet with angry tears, looking to half-baked sober life coaches in first-rate treatment centers to recalibrate their lives. Drinking away their sorrows, dumped by men whose power they loved and whose money they spent.    Yoga, sobriety, macrobiotics, spending, using, crying… nothing seems to work because all these women want is the sweet taste of revenge.

This week, one very lucky ex-wife gets her dues. She waited patiently on the sidelines of her ex-husband’s life to witness the crushing downfall of her Nemesis.  Today, American born, Kay Saatchi is not only back in Charles’s life but has had the delicious pleasure of helping dispense the woman who caused Kay pain beyond description: Nigella Lawson.

Kay is delightful.  I’ve met her on numerous occasions in Los Angeles.  Of course she’s delightful!   A man like Charles Saatchi wouldn’t marry an idiot.  Kay is everything a powerful man would want, she is elegant, super smart, she has exquisite taste.  Kay, nowadays, is sober.  Yet, when Kay was drinking, she had an unpleasant habit of blacking out and talking gibberish about Charles.  She couldn’t and wouldn’t stop.  Even her best friend wouldn’t know how to stem the tirade.  Her life, it seemed, could only be nothing… without Charles.

She would disintegrate into a seething mess of Charles Saatchi resentment.

The only hook Kay had in her ex as she watched in increasing horror as Nigella used Charles as a spring-board into her own rock solid career as international domestic goddess… was her/their daughter Phoebe who Kay moaned constantly was ignored by her father.  When I asked Phoebe if her father ignored her over Christmas dinner a few years ago… she denied it, looked sadly at her drunk mother and told me that the only problem parent… was Kay.

Now, things are different.  Kay is sober (unlike Nigella) and Kay’s undying love and loyalty for her ex husband has been rewarded by his begging Kay to help oust Nigella.  Kay will never be Mrs Charles Saatchi ever again but she has made herself indispensable to him during his time of need, once again firmly cementing herself back into his life.

Kay Saatchi

It is hard to explain to ordinary people the intoxicating effect of unlimited cash, how women like Kay and Nigella and now Trinny Woodall would willingly get involved with brooding Charles Saatchi. A man who throttled his ex wife in public.  A man so ruthless he recruits his vulnerable ex-wife to destroy his current wife.

Do yourself a favor and read Andrea Dworkin’s Right Wing Women: the politics of domesticated females.  Money and power are everything to some women.  It defies logic and rationale. The patriarch, the provider, the batterer… do what ever you will to me and for me… I am yours forever.

The harsh glare of media scrutiny is lighting up every dark corner of Charles Saatchi’s famously private life during the trial of his former employees, The Grillo Sisters.  It must be a painful time for secretive Charles.  During the trial there was constant mention of the grown women (who were no more that indentured servants) as ‘family’ yet, as Deborah Orr points out in the only pro Grillo piece on offer this week…

“You cannot insist that someone is in your family, then cry fraud when they behave as if they are.”

The rich are different.  They like to live beyond scrutiny, they operate without care for consequence.  Partially, this week, on a micro and macro level justice was done.  For servants like the Grillo sisters and for ex wives who crave revenge… like Kay Saatchi.

* Princess Diana‘s favorite flower.

Catie Lazarus, Lady Rizo, Our Lady J

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Tuesday,  a woman I know sent me a revolting picture of a skinned, live puppy attempting to escape a pot of boiling water.

The following email I opened that day was from a friend telling me that the young Olympiad Tom Daley was dating Dustin Lance Black.

The similarities between these two emails far outweigh the differences.

Black, known to his friends simply as Lance has been around my life as long as we have both been making gay films.  Despite how we have been described, Lance and I are NOT friends. Never have been, never will be.

Recently, Lance’s films have fallen by the wayside. His famous friends and perfect Hollywood pedigree can not augment his startling lack of talent.  Despite the luxury of many recuts his film Virginia remains almost unwatchable.  One of his producers told me that Lance cannot and should not direct.

He claims that he loves my British Academy Award nominated film AKA.   Yet, for all his ‘love’ of my work… he and me have never really connected.  I’m not… a) a young blonde boy,  b) a Hollywood grandee,  c) interested.

Like so many gay men in Hollywood he is ruthlessly ambitious.

Lance Black (born to the Morman faith) is an affluent, white, gay man.  I stress this because it defines who he is as a so-called gay activist.

We see each other at gay apartheid (white only) parties in the Hollywood Hills.  I am usually the plus one.

He lives in a nice house on Fairfax Avenue in West Hollywood.  It is sparsely decorated.  For all his riches Lance lives a frugal life.  One might say the house lacks imagination which is odd for such an imaginative man.   One of the bedrooms in his humble home is reserved for the two surrogate children he is planning in his not so distant future.

The only fly in the ointment?  He will not have children unless married.  Sadly, his seeming inability (like so many gay men in Hollywood) to keep just one man, a man to marry… the bassinets remain empty.   He is drawn predominantly to much younger gay men.   The subject of child rearing, when discussed, often leads to amicable separation.

It seems that Lance may have found in Tom Daley a young man he can marry who shares his desire for an immediate family.  Let’s wish him all the best and that child-birth comes quickly… he doesn’t want to be an old dad, too old to play football with his young child.

Lance’s pre occupation with a nuclear family is at odds with how I would determine an activist.  But Lance is no ordinary activist.  He passionately wants for all gays to perfectly ape what heterosexuals seem to have.  Nothing less than full integration will do.  He fights vehemently for the gays to participate in the traditionally right-wing institutions of marriage and the military.

He hangs primarily with a gang of affluent white men who share similar mores.

Gay activists like Lance Black were quick to blame California’s African-American voters for the defeat of Proposition 8, the anti gay marriage amendment.  People for the American Way president Kathryn Kolbert, criticized “the speed with which some white gay activists began blaming African Americans—sometimes in appallingly racist ways.”

Black is wedded to right-wing gay organization the HRC who once famously refused to support the rights of trans people then issued a groveling apology.  Not learning from their white gay mistakes the HRC recently silenced the voices of trans and queer undocumented activists outside the Supreme Court during the DOMA Supreme Court decision, again… apologizing after the fact.

The gays at the HRC, it seems,  have a very narrow view of sexuality. The LGBTQ coalition leaves many affluent, white gay men feeling uneasy and confused.   Unsurprisingly, like so many gay men, Lance questions the legitimacy of bisexuality.  A nettle the gays prefer not to grasp…

Read more about the dark practices of the HRC here.

“In recent years, HRC has been working to contradict its former reputation as an organization overly focused on issues of concern to affluent white gay men, combating long-simmering charges of transphobia within the organization.”

When Lance first started calling himself an activist and regularly going to Washington to meet President Obama I bumped into him at Cafe Solar de Cahuenga on Cahuenga Blvd in Hollywood.  Solar is a tatty south American coffee shop/restaurant popular amongst young actors and writers within sight and sound of the busy 101 Freeway.

I praised him for his film Milk which he valiantly produced and won an Oscar for writing.  I didn’t ask him about the controversy whirling around the gay gossip vortex in which we are both hapless victims.

Amongst the back stabbing gays his success and authenticity were being questioned.

Hadn’t he stolen the Milk project from another gay producer?  Did he in fact write the script that won him the Oscar?  Some people said that Ron Nyswaner had in fact written the final script that Gus shot?   The gays told me that he took his Oscar everywhere.  That he couldn’t put it down.  They scoffed that he used his power and prestige within the gay community to snare impressionable young boys.   They said that he should have been wearing a condom when he was fucking his ‘boyfriend’ in the infamous shots of Lance with a cock in his ass… if he was at all interested in being an ‘activist’ he should have been wearing a condom.  They said that he should practice what he preached.  They said that the original documentary about Harvey Milk was far better than the film.

Harvey Milk made Lance Black famous.  What Milk would have made of Black personally… I wonder.  What Black would have thought of Milk if he had met him contemporaneously… I wonder.  Milk was a charismatic, bombastic, driven, older jewish man.  Lance channels Milk’s political inclusivity when he claims that all he wants to do is ‘give people hope’, this wholesale appropriation of Milk’s legacy… sticks somewhat in the caw.

Lance hangs with Milk’s contemporary and true activist Cleve Jones.   Lance riding Cleve’s activist coat tails?  Cleve seduced by Hollywood glamour?

What kind of political activist is Dustin Lance Black?

Whilst whistle blower and trans hero Pvt. Chelsea Manning rots in jail, ‘activist’ Lance Black lead the ‘human rights’ charge on The Castro for San Francisco Pride.   SF Pride chose to controversially exclude Manning from the official Pride demonstration in fear of upsetting Pride’s corporate donors.

Back in Hollywood, Lance sits writing on his own in the middle of the coffee shop sipping green tea.  Everyone could see him there.  We talked about British equality legislation fashioned by Waheed Ali.  I told Lance about British gay rights activist Peter Tatchell.  He seemed enthralled by Peter’s unique brand of direct action so I organized an introduction.  When the time came for him to meet with Peter… Lance bailed.

I sent a dismissive note.

We didn’t speak again until he started dating a dear friend of mine who was at that time living at my home.

My friend is perhaps one of the sweetest man I know.  Kind, considerate, thoughtful, intelligent, curious and recently out of the closet.  In fact, history repeating itself, my friend came out for Lance.  My friend made the first move.

Knowing that my friend was falling for Lance I tried to stay as impartial as I possibly could.  It didn’t last long.  I was furious.  I was supportive and kind for as long as I could be.  I asked Lance over to the house for his new boyfriend’s birthday lunch.  Lance bailed.

During the next few months of their relationship I watched my friend fall apart.  My friend started therapy.  He was torn and confused and miserable.

At one particular gay pool party Lance rudely left without telling my dear sweet friend that he was leaving. Lance ended up at another Hollywood party, at Roland Emerich’s surrounded by more young boys.

My friend was distraught.

Thankfully, when Lance took my friend to The White House he didn’t bail.  They ran around with Don Lemons stealing Christmas cookies.  They had access all areas.  They hung in the Oval office.  My friend was delighted to see history being made… for affluent white gay people.

I maintained my impartiality.

I have no opinion about Lance and Tom.  Sadly, others do.

Tom Daley is being scolded in the bully chat rooms by the petit bourgeois gays for ‘making the first move’ as if his teenage innocence and delight can be construed as a devious attempt at star fucking.

The British public love Tom Daley and they will not let him get hurt or tangled in anything other than a relationship they deem appropriate.  For the time being they will give Lance Black the benefit of the doubt. I am sure that the British press will keep tabs on Lance.  If he thinks for one gay moment that he can get away with any duplicitous behavior around Tom Daley… he had better think again.

The problem is:  no one expects gay men to have morals, or stick to the rules.  Gay white affluent man have written their own rules and nobody dares question them.  They have become a super elite, their access to the world stage unparalleled.  But with wider acceptability comes broader scrutiny.

Elton John once said in front of me, “10 gay men run the world… and I know all of them.”

Tom Daley is a beloved young British boy.  We may begin to see this corrupt, elite gay world through his teenage eyes.  It is a shadowy world of sexual un-manageability, pedophilia and other unsavory obsessions.

It is not what the elite gays want you to know,  whilst they paint a public picture of themselves that makes them seem… just like you.

Diana Lee

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