Last Month

My left testicle has a name..Lucille.  Why did you call it a woman’s name you may ask?  Well, that’s just the way it is.

I leave on Wednesday to have Lucille removed.  Goodbye Lucille Ball.  In a particularly bumptious mood today.  Seems like the only way I can get through this.  Becoming more rather than less. Dealing with my vulnerability and fear with monstrous emotions.

I have been feeling angry with him again as I face this fucking thing on my own.  I really resent that I was so completely on his side, his support, his kindly ear when he needed it most but the MOMENT I needed a shoulder he fucking dumped me.  Listen, I know the little creep couldn’t think about anyone except himself and I chose the most selfish man alive to depend on when things got tough..

It is just a bore to have to own my part in this but I am forced to.   My part is that I should have no expectations of anyone ever but who the hell lives like that?

Tomorrow night Ashley is throwing a Goodbye Lucille party for me at SHLA.   Instead of doing what I did on my big b’day and not inviting anyone I have asked everyone.   Fuck them if they don’t turn up but I think that they will.

The reason I didn’t invite anyone for my lunch was that I didn’t want him to judge my Whitstable friends.  That’s fucking ridiculous isn’t it?  What lengths I would go to please him.   I got mocked for that too.  “You know that you find me irresistable.”  Fucking rat.

I watched Taxi Driver again last night for the 100th time.  I always feel so energized after watching how he deals with being a lonely misfit.

Here is someone who stood up against the scum, the dogs, the filth, the shit – here is someone – who stood up

I love the letter at the end from Iris’s parents.  The suburban parents thanking the crazy guy for rescuing their daughter from hell.   Yeah right…nobody gets thanks for doing a good deed. The only time I get letters from parents it’s to tell me what a cunt I am.

Last Night

Mostly I love that Travis Bickel, like me, is so crazily angry at the world.  Thank GOD I have AA to dump my shit.

Yesterday spent whole day with Ashley and Michael.  We drive up the PCH to Jennifer and Jason’s house.  They are moving so went ostensibly to say goodbye to their lovely house.  On the way we stopped off at Malibu seafood for fish and chips: delicious.

This morning Julia Roberts was standing in line ahead of me at the Coffee Bean.

The young man who jumped into the car and kissed me is coming this afternoon.

Give me something to worry about that isn’t Lucille.  Go on…