I am everything I ever think about.   You hear that a great deal in the rooms of AA.  We are indeed a self obsessed bunch.

Without the relief of thinking about somebody else I am back to my old ways:  dubious web sites..currently a member of four hook up sites, making plans with strangers.

The only thing that has really changed is the level of compulsivity.  I no longer compulsively look at those sites and I don’t look at porn like I did.  One of the benefits of the last few months, as I have written before, is my attitude toward sex.  I can now meet people and have sex with them without shame or complication.  Perhaps that’s a good thing?

I don’t know yet.  I made up my mind that in lieu of a relationship I will chase another sort of dragon.  Sport Fucking.

It’s amazing just how many of them (as do I) describe what we want as ‘fun’.

Funny.

It’s funny because I don’t regret that I never got into this sooner.  I am sure I would have gotten into trouble.  Already recent past conquests want repeat performances but I have no desire to meet them again, know their names or anything about their lives.

I am not even bothering to write about these men.  They are all the same.  I have become adept at just getting on with it.  They arrive, I do it, they leave.

These are changes in me to focus on and praise?   There’s always..my film.  My film is really getting everybody who hears about it really fired up.  It’s a perfect story with a big idea at it beating heart.

Just in case you’re wondering, the story has nothing to do with him.  I would normally try manipulating recent events into some kind of narrative.  I don’t seem to need that particular catharsis.  The sorry fact is..our story just isn’t that interesting.

The story is pretty much written here…well pretty much.  Many of the wonderful times are not written because I wasn’t allowed to write them.  There are days on end that we spent with each other that remain unwritten.   Waking up in the Jane Hotel…his absurd fear that I wanted to sleep with his best friend.

I did as I was told and didn’t write any of it.

Yesterday, ran around Beverly Hills paying bills (mortgage etc.) and after some deliberation decided that I would donate the money that I received from him to charity.  I sent it to the Trevor Project, every $1, 191.71 of it.  For those of you who don’t know what the Trevor Project is check it out.

Trevor Project

It seemed like the right thing to do in the circumstance.

Ultimately the money I received from him felt dirty and now it has been effectively laundered.

I made the donation in his name.  As a supporter he will receive the following benefits and will get to meet other aspiring A gays at charity events in NYC.

Supporter ($1,000 – $2,499)
All “Member” level benefits plus:

  • A complimentary copy of Trevor, the Academy Award®-winning short film
  • A Trevor Survival Kit sent to the school of your choice
  • Listing as a Circle of Hope Supporter in event program books, newsletters, our annual report and on Trevor’s website.

I imagine he will be able to claim it back against his taxes too.

I had lunch with J&J in WeHo.  Dinner with Ashley at Nobu.  Woke at 4am.  Chased a big buck around the garden with a torch.  Eating my geraniums.  Bastards.

I know now that he had already met someone else before we left for France.  I don’t blame him.  I couldn’t meet his needs.  He wants to be an ‘A’ gay and if he works hard enough at it he’ll get there in the end.

Like a character from an F Scott Fitzgerald novel.

For all of his terrible flaws I enjoyed his conversation.  I loved laughing with him.  I am aiming to remember him with kindness or..and this is more likely…not at all.

We have at least contributed to the happiness of others by making such a healthy donation to charity.

Vitality shows in not only the ability to persist but the ability to start over.