On my knees today.  Waiting to be delivered from the worst.  God, you must understand, never lets me down.   Never has.  Thank you for that.   Everything is just the way it is meant to be in God’s perfect world.

Fuck.  It’s been so hard recently to feel as if life was worth living.  But I just threw myself into the love from those around me.  It’s hard to trust that they will catch you when you fall..but they did.  All day.   Thank you, thank you, thank you.

What, you may be thinking is the worst?   Well, this birthday palava is getting to me.  Was getting to be.  It’s hard to be in acceptance when all around you feels that what was available seems unavailable.

I don’t mean a person..no one person is bringing me down.

I don’t want anyone to think I’m writing about them.  This funk is more about my inability to pull myself out of alcoholic swill and back into the creative life I’ve had for so long.

Today, I prayed that the phone would ring and then the phone rang and I was commissioned to write a piece for a mag.  Then tonight a producer gave me a huge boost, telling me to call when I got back from Europe, that it was time for me to direct something.

Bumped into Sebastian whose father was my father’s best friend.  He said, “Your father was such a cool guy.”  And told me all about my brothers and sisters and what they were up to.

It made me feel very proud.  I do wish that I had had a relationship with him.  I really do.

I am going to sleep well tonight.

PS  The online dating site is yielding interesting possibilities after all.  Not sex but connections.  I was just really honest and said what I wanted.  A relationship.  I want a relationship.