We picked lemons and grapefruits and cleaned out the plunge pool. We cooked dinner. We walked on the beach. I wrote more of my film. I met another DOP. I wrote more of my novel. I am presently writing a thousand words a day. More if I count this and the film. We planted a tree and swept the paths. The days are full up with life and laughter.
The twins are incredibly funny and kind. Their Mother called me yesterday and thanked me for looking after them. It’s a treat to do so. They are honest. They give more than they take.
I don’t want to go back to NYC so perhaps I won’t. There’s nothing there for me other than sadness. Disaster. Therapist Jill gets back this week and hopefully I can get myself into some sort of rehab by the beginning of May. It’s the only way I can imagine dealing with everything that has happened. The pain and the resentment.
I can start again.
He was wearing the jacket that I picked out for him in the most recent picture I have. Staring at a near empty pint of beer. I hope he chokes on that fucking beer. I hope that every time he pulls on his jacket he thinks of me and London and APC and how much I tried to help him. What lengths I was prepared to go to make his new gay life better.
You see? When you let a liar into your life what havoc they cause? What pain and suffering they inflict? Oh get over it I hear you say…but I am not like that. I can carry around a resentment for years. Some relationships take years to get over. Especially when you know in your heart that you will never love like you loved, feel what you feel, be what you were with the man who you loved…ever again. Even if he was a liar, even if he is impossible to forgive. Even if I want so badly to put things right and be at peace with the world.
The twins are off out to Santa Monica. They are leaving me here to write and ponder.
Life cheats us with shadows. We ask it for pleasure and it gives it to us with bitterness and disappointments in it’s train. Oscar Wilde.
Great weekend in Malibu. Loads going on.
Therapy Saturday. Lunch with filmy people. Another lunch with Gabe and Toby in Venice.
Met two very sweet Redondo boys in coffee shop.
Writer arrived at 1pm. Twins came home on Sunday as I am working with writer. Both of them had a great night in Hollywood. They got so drunk and sick and in trouble but separately. They lay down looking worse for wear.
The writer left. I vacuumed the house.
Miami Henry popped over. Made dinner for the four of us. Twins surprised that I made the salad dressing.
Henry left after dinner. Bed at midnight.
Nothing more to report. I have been writing like a crazy person.
I am thinking of checking into rehab. Seriously. I can’t go on like this.
The young twins arrived last night. Spent a couple of hours making beds and sorting where they are going to stow their things.
Because of the terrible storm I could not get up to my house until late yesterday so as I was staying over at J & J’s house. I drove with Jason to Venice through the Santa Monica Mountains. The storm has caused huge amounts of damage. Thankfully CalTrans have dealt with the worst of the mess. Did I mention that during the storm we saw 5 Pepperdine boys surfing the steep lawn on their campus. Wetsuits in the rain. Looked like fun.
I dropped Jason off at work then arranged to meet Sinatra and Hilary at Intelligentsia on Abbot Kinney. After an hour and some extraordinarily expensive Rwandan blend coffee and an ‘artisan made’ orange and cranberry muffin I picked Lily up from school in Malibu and drove her home.
The logistical nightmare that is having three kids in different schools all over LA.
Found myself alone with Max, we sat at home discussing rap music. He is 13.
My stomach ached all day. A mixture of anxiety from having JB at the forefront of my thoughts once again and exhaustion from staying up all night at the Sober Living facility.
This morning I woke early and made tea for us all and set about doing long overdue desk work. All three of us are tapping away quietly on our macs. Must go buy loo roll. These boys sure get through it.
I find myself in limbo once again.
However beautiful the twins are I am discombobulated. Absent. Sad.