The pictures published this morning are part of my photographic essay commissioned by The Sydney Morning Herald in 2004 celebrating the Condoblin Batchelors and Spinsters Ball held annually in the depths of New South Wales.
B & S Balls are thrown to introduce the youth of rural Australia who live many hours from each other in the arid outback.
The Ball is actually a huge drunken brawl and as a sober man I was amazed by two things: firstly how much alcohol was consumed and secondly how little violence there was.
I publish it to remind myself just how many things I have achieved.
The darkest part of the day is ironically the morning when I seem to forget just how damned capable I am. Need to calm down. Still experiencing waves of depression. Still at the mercy of my mad head. Mad head, thankfully not bed head-my hair is now cropped once again. However, when buzzed my head get recognized more than when I have long hair.
The dog is waiting to go to Runyon, waiting patiently at my feet whilst I type this. I am nearly out of the doldrums. I can feel myself emerging. Why did I get sober? Why did I go into therapy? Peace of mind. Not piece of mind-one of my mothers favorite expressions. ’I'll give him a piece of my mind.’ she would say.
The mantra for this week is BE PRESENT.
I remember getting up each day and feeling like there wasn’t anything I couldn’t do.
Added to all the other problems I am utterly home sick. Desperate to get back to my Island Jewel. Held here by all sorts of stuff that needs dealing with. The house, the garden, the book, the app, the art sale, what the fuck?
All I need to do is book an Air France flight to Paris and vanish but I am trying to be a good man. Trying to be the sort of guy who can wrestle from his life some sort of sobriety and ultimately some honor.
Where in the world could I go if I wanted to start again? I still love Memphis. I loved it. Who would I be when I got there?
What demons would I bring along with me?
Instead of running away I need to remember what I am capable of and invest time and energy in my work. Recently Obama opined that ‘change is hard.’ and I was appalled by his admission because I rarely admit that it’s the goddamned fucking truth don’t ya think?.