Archives for posts with tag: Love addiction

Luis the decorator and his sidekick Miguel are here in Malibu.  They are painting over the mess the last renter made in the house when she failed to open the flu and filled the house full of acrid smoke.  That, my friends, is the great disadvantage to opening your home to renters who are less able or practical.

Luis is a great painter and has a great attention to detail.  I like having him around.  He has two small daughters that he raises single handedly.

The house stinks of wood filler and oil based primer.

I must admit that I am really enjoying living back here in Malibu.  It is a perfect time to be here.  The weather is everything one would want it to be.  The air is chilled.  The sea glistens.  It was grand to wake up to the oyster hued sky at 5.30 this morning, the sun rising over the mountains.

The little dog, rather foolishly, ran after a little fox that popped out to greet us.

At breakfast with my Wednesday crew we discussed a couple of great film ideas and it occurred to me that I am ready to make another film.  It just depends what.  I am thinking about my LA film.  I really can’t move on until I have made THAT film THAT LA FILM.  The one I promised myself I would make when I arrived here all those years ago.  We discussed two great film ideas.  I just need to attend to business like it were the subject of my great and enduring love.

Joe, my actor friend, popped by yesterday and we discussed his career.   There are two different types of actor is LA.  The actors who need repping and those who are essentially repping themselves.   My friend Karim repps himself.  He networks at Sundance, Berlin and Cannes leaving no stone unturned.  He chases new directing talent and doing the do.  My friend Joe is less proactive and thinks that everything hinges on finding an agent.  Which one do you think gets the jobs?

I have my second meeting with Sean the garden/goat/chicken man today and we will go through his bid carving out the essentials, abandoning the non-essentials until later on this year.  I am excited that he will start work as quickly as next week.

As for the great NYC love of my life-I am growing a nasty obsession.  How quickly my addict climbs into the driving seat and roars off heading at full pelt into the nearest brick wall.   My obsession is as real as a carbuncle and just as hard to remove.

Sex addiction transmutes into love addiction as quickly as I can say I love you.

I love talking to you.  I love listening to you.  I love you when you are not in a darkened room.

Is there no area in my life that can’t be subject to addiction?  I am immediately overwhelmed, subjugated, mesmerized, fantasized, living in somebody else’s skin.

So, I meet this guy.  He’s age appropriate, he’s sober, he has a great sense of humor and we CONNECT.  I mean..we connect intellectually.  After a few hours I kinda know that (if I wanted to) I could really make this work, that he could easily be the one.  We spend a couple of days together, we eat dinner, we get closer.  It feels GREAT.

So, if everything is so fucking PERFECT why does meeting this special someone make me feel so damned vulnerable?

Let’s try again.

So, I meet this guy, he’s cute and funny and sober.  We connect immediately and I can’t stop thinking about the future.  No..DUNCAN ROY..stop thinking!  Stay here and now.  Be present.  Isn’t that what you wanted all along?  To fall in love?  But, like loving the little dog I am suddenly bound and gagged like Houdini.  I begin to talk myself out of a beautiful time.  I can no longer move freely.  I tell myself that I can..I can be easily wounded.

When the big dog was killed I called my mother and cried.  Later, I felt sick that I’d called her.  I felt so embarrassed.  I called my MOTHER sobbing.  My Mother hates dogs.  What sort of person calls the most hard-hearted person in their life expecting sympathy?  I felt like a FOOL.  Who would I call if this went wrong?  My Mother can’t take a love affair between two men seriously!  Say, for arguments sake, I fell in love with this man..what would happen if he left me?  YOU SEE!   I am already writing the final, tragic chapter.

What happens when I fall in love?  I am as fragile as a Ming vase.   I want to stare into their eyes, kiss their lips.   I want him right here right now.  I want to be we.  I want to be a line in a popular love song.  I don’t want to raise goats on my OWN.

The worst of being an addict is that I can so easily transmute from sex to love addiction.

Today’s big GRIPE:

Why do so many gay men around my age have topless pictures of themselves on Facebook?    Let me tell you.

Most gay men suffer from Peter Pan syndrome.  Forever teenagers, these identical looking men-beards, tats and manscaped pubes seem unable or unwilling to grow up.  They behave like pre-pubescent boys, screaming around the world in half naked gangs looking for the next big cock.

I used to care that these men had no respect for monogamy but now I can’t be bothered what they do or don’t respect.

When we are not objectifying each other we encourage others to objectify us.  We demand objectification.  Gay men are in a constant state of sexual red alert.  We advertise our bodies rather than our minds, constantly comparing our pecs our lats etc.

Let me tell you lads-this is why nobody takes us seriously when we want them to.   If you want equality, put your shirts on.

Start taking yourselves seriously and grow the fuck up.

What about the guys who don’t want to take their shirts off?  The guys who don’t spend hours in the gym?  Are we expected to compare and despair?  No, prepare to be ignored lads.  Prepare to be marginalized.

This is exactly why we will never have any kind of political leader.  Remember Harvey Milk?  I mean, who would vote for Milk now?  His teeth are bad, he isn’t in the gym 24/7.  Who would want to fuck that queen?  Our message has been lost amongst the lotions, hair dyes, gym clothes, and food fads that really motivate the community.

There is a terrible fascism that pervades the ‘gay community’, racism, and ageism-it’s all there.  Sadly, due to our ingrained sense of entitlement, there is little or no regard for the similarities-only the differences.  Which means, that when the chips are down, we are never ready to fight together for our common good.

Funny thing happened after an AA meeting last night.  A gay bloke was squirting hand sanitizer over himself and others after having shaken a stranger’s hand-the same guy who had been describing shoving his tongue up some random ass the night before.

Yay!  Vote no on ‘Prop 8’.

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