Madness, when it comes upon me is a grueling mystery to solve. For months now I have been gripped with what started out merely as a broken heart.
When one begins to feel the onset of ones own brand of insanity it is always impossible to make sense of the confusing depth and range of emotions.
In the midst of the maelstrom it all feels so incredibly real. Yet, as we are well aware, once sanity returns: FEELINGS are not FACTS.
Regardless of how and why I experienced such a destructive wave of emotion I could only wait, as one does, for the storm to end.
It was galling that I had not suffered a comparable emotional torment for many years, fourteen in fact. As you have read on these pages, when I first got sober I had the same misery, the same terrible sense of powerlessness that has overwhelmed me every day since last January.
There is no way to prepare for such misery. One can only pray that it passes. That it passes swiftly and without too much damage being inflicted on either myself or others.
I have learned so much these last few months. Learned the very good and the very bad about myself. It is so incredibly lonely when one is gripped by such furious indignation.
After the storm inevitably there is the wreckage. After the storm, picking up the pieces of everything that has been smashed and knowing that it is impossible to mend what is so utterly broken.
Salvaging first and foremost ones dignity.
On this occasion I know that I have done irreparable damage to myself. I used to have hope and I no longer do. The reserve of hope that I was born with is exhausted.
In many ways I have been returned to that moment last January before we met when I had everything to look forward to. It is now up to me to start again. Start building, start a positive dialogue with myself that may include some sort of sanctuary.
My body is wrecked from these past few months. Fighting, fighting, fighting.
Fighting what was growing inside me, fighting the feelings, fighting my true intentions to be a good and better person.
I have no idea what comes next. I know in my heart, in the pit of my stomach, in my soul…that I will never attempt to have another relationship. I seem truly incapable of that basic human connection and unable to deal with the associated feelings of inadequacy that swamp me once I meet any person I value.
I dare not take that risk.
I know that all familiar avenues others take for granted are now closed to me.
When I was a child, the only way I could express my fury at the world was to smash everything in my room. Everything I held dear. It was my only option. There was nowhere to run, no place to hide.
And what of him?
Well, I hope and pray that he is already living a wonderful life, that he has great and extraordinary beauty ahead of him. I know that he is capable of things I can only dream about. I finally expunged his name from this blog and worked hard to uncouple him from me in the virtual ether. His ‘bit of fun’ turned into a nightmare for us both but I am determined to forgive him…the alternative will merely drag me into further insanity.
He is not the problem. He must be part of the solution.
If I am truly over this catastrophe then I must love him as much as I must love the unfair world around me. He is a stranger now. He will remain a stranger.
For what once felt so beautiful, as I predicted, must now be an inconsequential blip.
To this end I must accept any and all of my own shortcomings. I must see my part in this drama. Own my part in it.
I must let God take back the reigns.
There are other more important lessons to learn, adventures to be had…but I will not learn any of them unless I can truly forgive.