It is raining with torrential force today. See below.
The Little Dog and me are wrapped up warm on the sofa. Frank just left. He brought Willie to see us. Willie and I still love each other but he lives with Frank now. That’s that. I posted a little video of us on Facebook.
Yesterday was not a great day. I hung out with Jen and Jason, helping them with their delivery business. Anything to take my mind off of the anonymous note I received. Of course I thought about it all day.
I called Dan. When is this ever going to end?
Usually when I get notes that are JB related I just ignore them…but this was different. It was designed to hurt both of us.
In a way it was good to know where he is because I can avoid those parts of NYC where he will be. I know that it sounds improbable but I really don’t want anything more to do with him personally. I just WISH he had never ever contacted me.
Resentful about that. Totally ruined the past few months. It probably gives him immense pleasure to know that I have been so badly hurt and continue to be so. He lied his way into my life, stripped me bare and like a wilful child slammed the door in my face. So damned selfish.
I feel cheated out of the investment I made in him. The time he demanded. The love I lost. Only now, after so much damage…like a natural calamity that leaves one in the pause of powerless amazement.
When CP left last week I felt very alone. He, very sweetly, worried that I get depressed when he is away and (annoyingly) there is some truth to that. I feel focused and connected when he is around.
We have been working hard to make our film happen. It looks more likely every day. Spent last night looking at DOP reels.
I am excited by this project. Excited by its potential and our ability to reach out to our community and explore difficult ideas. We spent hours with old gay folk. Let me tell you something: for the rich or the poor old age is a the great leveler. We don’t do nearly enough for our aged population…not in England or America.
Therapy last night.
I love solitude too much.