I didn’t really feel like doing anything yesterday. I just hung around at home. Then, rather dumbly, decided to go to Wholefoods on Union Square. It was packed. I bought spicy meatballs. I bought white chocolate.
I sent the more completed treatment (with notes) off to London. The more I think about it the more I want to shoot it there and not in NYC.
I am going on a road trip this weekend. Driving to Buffalo.
Dan and I had dinner out last night. As we were leaving the restaurant he pointed to an MLK quote written in chalk on a blackboard.
“I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear.”
I have been dragging a big bag of hate around with me since I received that childish email this summer. A bag of hate bound up with cancer, shame, resentment..fear.
My hate and my cancer were inextricably linked. My hate for him.
I am trying to love. Trying to forgive. Not Jake, he’s just a silly symptom. I am trying to forgive my dad for all the terrible things he did to me. Once again. That old chestnut. How am I going to survive this legacy?
One more day.
The effects of childhood abuse can have more severe consequences for a gay man. A sizeable number of all people who are abused in childhood have extreme difficulty regulating their emotions as adults.
The effects of sexual activity, regardless of the child’s desire or participation are significant and damaging. A child is quite capable of strong sexual feelings but incapable of handling the emotional aftermath of such feelings.
Survivors of violent childhood abuse are complicated to say the least.