Had to take a couple of days away from my blog. Firstly, I think my reason for writing it had become skewed. Secondly, when all one has to write about is the blog itself..hmmm. You understand.
Malibu. The garden has been totally cleaned up by the new gardeners. This annual sweep gives me so much pleasure. The most rewarding $800 a man could ever spend.
Exciting news: friends are seriously thinking about buying the house. When they contacted me I was relieved then I began to wonder why I was selling it? Where else in the world would I be able to live like this? The view, the land, the house…it’s all so beautiful.
The repaired road will make it so much better living here (I can walk to the local shops) but rather than thinking it would make it better for me..my fucked up head thinks it would make it better for someone else. That’s insane! I deserve it too.
I had to get away from the blog because I was indeed writing about Jake far too much and whilst I needed to I also have to stop.
This is the problem with obsessive thinking, and who ever wrote that I should get off the Jake thang is right..I really have to start thinking beyond the object of my obsession.
My friend Anna is moving into the house with me. She is having a blast with her new film (traveling all over the world) but needs a place to live. We are very similar in as much as we both daily invent our lives. So, next Tuesday I have room-mate.
My friend Ashley needs a place too so we are all going to live here together. The only remaining booking is for October so we are going to vacate for that.
I achieve so much more when I am with other like-minded people. Whenever Anna is here I get important things done that would otherwise remain undone. I can be mother hen, make breakfast, organize walks, sit down and write. All I have to overcome is the obsessive urge to clean the house and keep order. I have to let that go.
Because I know that he reads this I often think of him when I am writing. It’s horrible. Trying to keep the flame burning.
Fragile, timid beautiful Jake. I want to remember him kindly. I really do. I don’t want to believe that he came into my life to take whatever he needed.
I want to be on Manhunt because he was on Manhunt. I want to meet men because he met men. I want to in spite of my own healthy needs.
The Manhunt thing is interesting. It has taken no time at all to be totally disinterested in that site. It cannot serve me. Why do I go there? Real people can serve me. Living in fantasy around what could be only leads to disaster..as we have witnessed these past few months.
So, I have been attending gay AA meetings, connecting with my sober comrades. Trying not to be negative, understanding that I still sit in a great deal of fear around gay men..I begin to relax.
There is a community of men and women at my disposal who are more than willing to open their arms to me.
I am, after all, a rather well-known gay man in recovery.
Lead by example.
Coming up to my sober birthday on October 1st. Traditionally this has always been a time of great reflection. A time to remember what I gave up to become the man I am now.
If I had continued along the path of least resistence…I may very well be dead. I will write about that last day of using on October 1st.
Fly East tomorrow for a few days. Have to take art to NYC. I really dread being in the city just in case I bump into him. I don’t know what I would do.
It’s like when I got sober..those first few months I could be around people drinking but I could not be around anyone taking drugs, it was too triggering. As I have said before, he is not real..he is a cypher.
As he shrinks away I attempt to own the possibilities. I am left with so much! I am left with all of this..the view, the hope, the love and of course the very human fight to survive. The fight to live. The fight to make art. The fight to breath in the new day.
I may very well have thrown away this past year obsessing over him. I pray that I learned something useful from knowing him. Please don’t let it have been a total waste?
My Australian friend Andrew visited yesterday. I met him in Sydney ten years ago. What a delicious man he is. I think you would all agree?
My AA sponsor told me in no uncertain terms that I was shirking from the very real health issue I have. He told me that I have to get it seen to as soon as possible.