So, I meet this guy. He’s age appropriate, he’s sober, he has a great sense of humor and we CONNECT. I mean..we connect intellectually. After a few hours I kinda know that (if I wanted to) I could really make this work, that he could easily be the one. We spend a couple of days together, we eat dinner, we get closer. It feels GREAT.
So, if everything is so fucking PERFECT why does meeting this special someone make me feel so damned vulnerable?
Let’s try again.
So, I meet this guy, he’s cute and funny and sober. We connect immediately and I can’t stop thinking about the future. No..DUNCAN ROY..stop thinking! Stay here and now. Be present. Isn’t that what you wanted all along? To fall in love? But, like loving the little dog I am suddenly bound and gagged like Houdini. I begin to talk myself out of a beautiful time. I can no longer move freely. I tell myself that I can..I can be easily wounded.
When the big dog was killed I called my mother and cried. Later, I felt sick that I’d called her. I felt so embarrassed. I called my MOTHER sobbing. My Mother hates dogs. What sort of person calls the most hard-hearted person in their life expecting sympathy? I felt like a FOOL. Who would I call if this went wrong? My Mother can’t take a love affair between two men seriously! Say, for arguments sake, I fell in love with this man..what would happen if he left me? YOU SEE! I am already writing the final, tragic chapter.
What happens when I fall in love? I am as fragile as a Ming vase. I want to stare into their eyes, kiss their lips. I want him right here right now. I want to be we. I want to be a line in a popular love song. I don’t want to raise goats on my OWN.
The worst of being an addict is that I can so easily transmute from sex to love addiction.
Today’s big GRIPE:
Why do so many gay men around my age have topless pictures of themselves on Facebook? Let me tell you.
Most gay men suffer from Peter Pan syndrome. Forever teenagers, these identical looking men-beards, tats and manscaped pubes seem unable or unwilling to grow up. They behave like pre-pubescent boys, screaming around the world in half naked gangs looking for the next big cock.
I used to care that these men had no respect for monogamy but now I can’t be bothered what they do or don’t respect.
When we are not objectifying each other we encourage others to objectify us. We demand objectification. Gay men are in a constant state of sexual red alert. We advertise our bodies rather than our minds, constantly comparing our pecs our lats etc.
Let me tell you lads-this is why nobody takes us seriously when we want them to. If you want equality, put your shirts on.
Start taking yourselves seriously and grow the fuck up.
What about the guys who don’t want to take their shirts off? The guys who don’t spend hours in the gym? Are we expected to compare and despair? No, prepare to be ignored lads. Prepare to be marginalized.
This is exactly why we will never have any kind of political leader. Remember Harvey Milk? I mean, who would vote for Milk now? His teeth are bad, he isn’t in the gym 24/7. Who would want to fuck that queen? Our message has been lost amongst the lotions, hair dyes, gym clothes, and food fads that really motivate the community.
There is a terrible fascism that pervades the ‘gay community’, racism, and ageism-it’s all there. Sadly, due to our ingrained sense of entitlement, there is little or no regard for the similarities-only the differences. Which means, that when the chips are down, we are never ready to fight together for our common good.
Funny thing happened after an AA meeting last night. A gay bloke was squirting hand sanitizer over himself and others after having shaken a stranger’s hand-the same guy who had been describing shoving his tongue up some random ass the night before.
Yay! Vote no on ‘Prop 8’.
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- This Thing Called Love Addiction (femalesexualhealth.wordpress.com)
Hi Duncan
I must say when watching celebrity rehab, I immediately felt connected to all of you and your struggles, but it was you that spoke the language of my deepest secrets and pain.
I follow you on twitter and now having subscribed to your blog I drink in all that you put pen or key stroke to.
“Say, for arguments sake, I fell in love with this man..what would happen if he left me? YOU SEE! I am already writing the final, tragic chapter.” That is me totally! Why bother starting when you have written the final tragic chapter already in your sad, stuck mind.
Keep blogging, writing and sharing Duncan….if you are a glimmer of hope to me, then you are surely a beacon to many others!
Sincerely grateful for you!
Marie Murdock
Wow! That was a mouth full. Sounds to me like you’ve truly grown up into an adult who I think knows what you want in life. Just too bad not everyone out there is the same. Love hurts, but is so worth it in the end. Open yourself up to it. Shoulders are always easy to find just in case! Stay strong!
The things you describe about what you feel when you’re in love – aren’t they how everyone feels at the beginning? That honeymoon phase when you want to know everything about that person and everything he does is wonderful. That romantic idealizing eventually settles into a more realistic picture. So I hear, anyway. Have you never been in a relationship long enough to get to the second phase without ending it first out of fear?
Long time reader, first time commenter…
You have the right idea: stay in the now. Enjoy his company, how he makes you feel, and tomorrow will take care of itself (as cliche as that is). Easier said than done (trust me, I KNOW), but once you let go that first time, it only gets easier afterwards.
I’m a straight guy who loves reading your blogs. I can totally relate to you on so many levels. When I put my 1st pup down.. I did the same thing. Til this day I kicked myself for calling my Mom …that is until I read that you did it too. I can finally let that go. Let your guard down and go with your instincts… every time you open your heart you gamble on getting hurt. It’s a gamble worth taking though. If it doesn’t work or blows up in your face… you can blog about it, and touch alot of people.
You know, you described one of my best friends perfectly. He’s 22 & already is exactly what you laid out when you described the “Peter Pan syndrome.” It was so dead-on that I took my headphones off, turned around to my roommate (our mutual friend), and said, “Oh my God, listen to this. This is Bobby.” And she agreed completely.
My dad’s not very gay-friendly & often says there’s not one gay man he respects, & I feel like this is way. I’m working on changing that, but it’s not easy.
I often say the world needs another Harvey Milk.
I’m with the others on it. You’re really talking about LIMERENCE, a wonderful word hardly anyone uses outside of therapy. That first rush can turn the hardest-hearted to butter, regardless of whether the object of affection is man, woman or (your fetish here). “…love, the strongest poison and medicine of all.” (J Mitchell). I expect you know you may experience the full intensity of the feelings without any requirement to act upon it.
I also agree with the others that objectification is everywhere, which is why a person lacking in sexual charisma can’t get elected President any more. No more wimpy little James Madisons or nasally-voiced, warty, henpecked Abraham Lincolns.
One time I had to give away my cats after a breakup because I could only afford a room (no pets allowed). I called my mother and cried and cried. I told her I felt like God didn’t want me to have any company at all, not even a pet. I was 33, and she was clueless as to how to respond, but sometimes you JUST WANT YOUR MOMMY! Even orphans reach out for comfort.
I deeply believe that each time you allow yourself vulnerability as an adult, you move toward authenticity and living as the embodiment of your most essential self.
It’s inspiring to watch you work.
It is exciting when you meet someone with whom you can “see” yourself with. I think it is normal to feel gun shy at the start of a relationship where the possibilities of being authentic with one another exist. I have had many heart aches, from broken engagement, cheating boyfriend, loss of my dog, loss of my mother to cancer. That hurt SUCKS. I have been with my husband for 10 yrs now. It’s not always a bed of roses however when difficult times come we have been able to get through them because we are friends. We did not go from Zero to Relationship in a week. We hung out with each other for a while before becoming intimate. We got to know each other, each other’s friends and family. Granted there has always been an attraction between us, but we took our time. My best advice to anyone who is in the early stages of a relationship is to be friends…no expectations and along with that no intimacy until there is a connection of minds and souls. With that trust secure in place..it is easy to progress into a relationship with out feeling such anxiety about how bad it will hurt if it ends….knowing that the person cares about you and genuinely loves you. If you genuinely love each other, can forgive one another when differences arrive and above all laugh when things are not perfect..and are on the same page in life things will be alright. My 99 yr old grandmother gave me this advice when I was having a particulary difficult time in my marriage, she told me to “Love him, especially when I feel like hating him.” It helped me then and I am sure that advice will come in handy again later in our life together.
You’re a smart man, I am sure you will figure out what is best for you.
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Yes goddammit, yes! You’ve summed it up in 2 short sentences, Duncan. Harvey Milk would be so proud.
” If you want equality, put your shirts on. Start taking yourselves seriously and grow the fuck up.”
Yes goddammit, yes! You’ve summed it up in 2 short sentences, Duncan. Harvey Milk would be so proud.
I’m sorry your mother is not your mom. It sucks when we get parents who aren’t the protectors they were supposed to be. It sucks when complete strangers empathize with you more than your own mother does. You deserved her compassion. Don’t be embarrassed that you asked for it.
Duncan, Cuidado! Now’s the time to cleave to your commitment to sobriety and your relationship with God. Good time for lots of conversation about this potential partner with the Almighty who loves you as you are and comes to you exactly where are you living. Nothing to be lost if you process slowly and share your reality with this very attractive man. If he is a good guy, he’ll respect your process and parameters. There is nothing to be lost by establishing boundaries early on. I’ll be thinking of you as you work your very capable and intelligent process. Best, Leslie
I’ve just spent the entire night reading this entire blog from start to finish. It’s 5:45am and I need to be at work soon. My brain feels hot from no sleep but each time I closed your blog, I found myself wondering what happened next! So again, I’d turn on this damn iPod and would begin to read. Many will find me pathetic but I don’t give two shits. Thanks for “spending the night” with me Duncan. All my best….T.
Christ on a crutch…my apologies for the silly comment about “I wondered what would happen next!”. I’m well aware that you’re sharing your LIFE…and it was deplorable for me to act as if I’m reading a Nancy Drew novel (..am I dating myself with that comparison? Or do we both wish I’d simply said The Hardy Boys…)! *ahem* Oy vey, Duncan. My apologies because I sincerely had the best intentions. Blame it on sleep deprivation.
I resent the fact that “you are an inspiration” has become such an empty piece of BS, because you really are an inspiration to me, Duncan: your bravery and honesty and willingness to soberly and vulnerably forge ahead. I want to be like you when I grow up, and thanks to your blog, I am working on growing up now…
I’ve been away from the computer since before the holiday… no email, no Facebook, no Twitter… and it was quite lovely to come back to you. Like an old friend who strokes my hair while I lay my head in his lap, you feel like home. As a sex addict who gave up so much of herself that she still has missing pieces and as a child has been plundered in the saddest of ways you say for me the things I need to say.
I’m not brilliant nor talented, I’m not wealthy, I’m not going to offer sage advice or even pretend our experiences mean we have something in common. But, on your dark days, when rolling out of bed is a chore and you’re oddly alone in a crowd of people, just remember there’s a girl out here who sees what you did for yourself yesterday and the greatness you will create tomorrow.
Thank you Duncan, for your bitchiness, your humility, your honesty. You remind us that while it isn’t easy being “normal” who’d want to be that boring anyway!
life is such a cycle. i believe with all my heart that there is a reason for everything, but i often don’t know what the reasons are until much later and sometimes not ever. a very long conversation with a friend i haven’t seen for over 25 years helped me understand why reading your blog and relating to you more than anyone else on the show has so much significance in my life. thank you for sharing your life with all of us and being so honest and open. that is such an attractive quality, but it does leave us vulnerable and easily wounded because not everyone is able to be as forthcoming as some of us. thank you again for being being so courageous in your life and for staying alive when it might have been easier to look for easy ways out.
Do you still talk to Jill Vermiere? I thought of her when I read about your new potential love. Having her or someone like her to process this with.
i love, love, love your sweet, cheeky smile in this picture. like you’ve got a secret, and i believe you do. you continue to amaze me how you seemingly process all that is going on in your life, even when that includes your dear friend dying. you seem so able to find the silver linings. i don’t doubt, and i would hope for all our sakes that you give yourself permission to do all the grieving you need to for all of your friends that you have had to lay to rest through the years. sei un uomo incredible! ti vorrei conoscere davvero. ti ringrazio per le tue parole di amore per l’umanita.
This was a memorable essay, especially your dead-on opinion of Peter Pan-syndrome gay men and the pressing need for a new dynamic gay leader for the 2000s (or 2010s).
Maybe you…how are your oratory skills?
“When we are not objectifying each other we encourage others to objectify us. We demand objectification.”
This is a lot like the complaint I have with how woman are acting or allowing themselves to be portrayal in the press.
How can we be held as equal with this kind of behavior? It is to easy to act as if our existence is frivolous. It worries me that our society does not hold higher expectations for ourselves.